You don’t want extra confidence—you want fewer self-abandonment habits

For years, I assumed my largest drawback was confidence.

I’d have a look at associates who may ask for a increase with out rehearsing the dialog 5 instances, or individuals who shared opinions at dinner events with out watching the room for approval.

I figured I used to be lacking some inside swagger gene, like there was a “confident person” software program replace I simply hadn’t put in.

So I did what any self-aware, barely anxious overachiever may do—I learn the books, bookmarked the TED talks, highlighted journal prompts.

Some of it helped. But I’d at all times discover myself in the identical loop: I’d really feel good for a bit, then discover myself tongue-tied in conferences or saying “yes” once I meant “no” or rewording an electronic mail a dozen instances to keep away from sounding too direct.

Eventually, I finished chasing confidence. And that’s once I began noticing one thing else—one thing deeper and stickier.

I wasn’t simply low on confidence. I used to be excessive on self-abandonment.

The quiet methods we depart ourselves behind

Self-abandonment isn’t at all times dramatic. It’s not strolling out in your life or pulling a Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride. Most of the time, it’s delicate. It appears like:

• Saying “I’m fine” if you’re undoubtedly not

• Laughing together with a joke that stings a bit of

• Nodding at suggestions you disagree with simply to appear “easygoing”

• Downplaying what you need as a result of it could be inconvenient

• Ignoring your individual discomfort to maintain issues “nice”

It’s not a single act—it’s a sample. One that claims: “My needs can wait. My truth is negotiable. You first, always.”

And the worst half? It seems quite a bit like being mature. Being accommodating. Being skilled. Being a “team player.”

I began noticing how computerized it had change into. How shortly I’d override my physique’s indicators—drained? Push via. Uncomfortable? Smile anyway. Upset? Swallow it. Move on.

It wasn’t confidence I used to be missing. It was loyalty—to myself.

The lie of “just be more confident”

Most recommendation about confidence skips this half. It tells you to “fake it till you make it” or “own the room,” as if confidence is one thing you put on like a blazer.

But if you’re used to shrinking or shape-shifting to suit the second, placing on confidence seems like enjoying dress-up. You may look the half, however you’ll really feel the hole between who you might be and what you’re performing.

Real confidence, I’ve come to imagine, isn’t about projecting energy. It’s about coming house to your self. It’s about being by yourself aspect—even if you disappoint somebody, even if you mess up, even if you don’t have the solutions.

And that’s not one thing you’ll be able to shortcut with energy poses.

It’s one thing you construct by unlearning the habits that taught you it was safer to depart your self behind.

What I’m studying (slowly, imperfectly)

I gained’t faux I’ve mastered this. I nonetheless discover myself modifying my opinions mid-sentence or freezing up once I really feel misunderstood. But right here are some things which have helped me transfer from self-abandonment to self-alignment:

1. Letting my physique vote.
I’ve began checking in with bodily cues earlier than making selections—tight chest, clenched jaw, racing ideas. If my physique says no, even when my mind needs a sure, I pause. I don’t at all times know why within the second, however the pause is highly effective.

2. Saying smaller truths out loud.
It seems like a muscle you strengthen. I’ve practiced saying issues like “Actually, I’m not sure I agree with that” or “That made me feel a little off.” Not with drama—simply with honesty. The sky hasn’t fallen but.

3. Taking longer to reply.
I used to suppose giving quick solutions made me look competent. Now I attempt to give slower solutions that really feel trustworthy. “Let me think about it” has change into a tiny, mild rise up in opposition to over-accommodation.

4. Getting comfy with disappointment.
This one’s arduous. But I’m realizing that being true to myself will typically disappoint different folks. And that doesn’t make me unhealthy—it simply makes me actual.

A reminder I wanted to listen to

Not way back, I picked up Laughing in the Face of Chaos: A Politically Incorrect Shamanic Guide for Modern Life by Rudá Iandê—a ebook I’d been which means to complete for some time. His insights landed arduous this time, possibly as a result of I used to be lastly prepared to listen to them.

One line particularly caught with me: “Being human means inevitably disappointing and hurting others, and the sooner you accept this reality, the easier it becomes to navigate life’s challenges.”

That hit a nerve—in one of the simplest ways.

The ebook impressed me to rethink how a lot vitality I’ve spent attempting to be palatable, polished, good.

Confidence isn’t the results of performing completely. It’s what arises if you cease performing altogether. When you cease abandoning the messy, imperfect, deeply human model of your self—and begin standing together with her as a substitute.

Final phrases

You don’t want extra confidence.

You want fewer moments the place you mute your self, shape-shift for approval, or abandon your must maintain the peace.

Confidence is a byproduct, not a prerequisite. It grows within the soil of self-trust.

And self-trust? That begins each time you select to stick with your self—even when it’s awkward, even when it’s arduous, even when another person needs you wouldn’t.

I’m nonetheless studying. But I’m studying by myself phrases now.

And possibly that’s the sort of confidence I used to be in search of all alongside.