A brand new colour of grief

Early this 12 months, my good friend died.

The shock that comes with discovering out somebody has handed is one factor. It is a totally totally different factor in the event you knew the individual, conversed with them, and shared a meal, fun, or perhaps a hug goodbye. What I’m nonetheless making an attempt to wrap my head round is dropping somebody you barely knew.

My good friend and I met on the web, the place 99 p.c of our friendship lived on. In 2024, I acquired a really sudden LinkedIn connection invite from an editor. At that point, I had simply graduated from college with a single dream: to be a author. You can think about how stoked I used to be to message her. With little to no background in writing, I despatched the longest, over-explaining message to her—anticipating her to not reply. To my utmost shock, she did. 

I despatched her pitches. She gave me suggestions. I despatched her drafts. She gave me extra suggestions. And in the present day, one in all my most favourite, sincere, and arguably finest items lives to see the sunshine of day. It is named “Why social media has turned my life into a rat race.”

I’ll always remember the sensation of seeing her message: “Hi Noelle. Your article is up. Congratulations.” I sobbed. A dream come true, and solely the start.

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Hello, then goodbye

Since that piece got here out, I wrote increasingly. She carried all my pitches and concepts as in the event that they had been her personal. I used to be capable of get extra writing alternatives and finally, copywriting and design work, too.

We saved in contact by all of it—even planning lunches for when she deliberate to come back again residence (she was pursuing a post-graduate diploma overseas). It was a friendship I couldn’t maintain quiet about. All my pals knew she was extra to me than an web connection.

In January earlier this 12 months, I used to be strolling towards the well-known Boracay inasal restaurant for dinner. As I approached our desk, this lady stood up in entrance of me and mentioned, “Are you Noelle?!” I noticed then and there that this was her. The lady who took an opportunity on me.

Goodness. I gave her a giant hug and turned to my associate. “This is her! My editor!” I used to be screaming like a teenage lady reuniting with a finest good friend. I thanked her for every part. I swear I might have cried, but it surely was my first time assembly her in individual. We parted methods quickly after. I used to be so pleased. 

That was the primary and final time I ever noticed her.

Per week later, I despatched in a brand new pitch, solely to be advised that she had handed away. Disbelief is an understatement. I used to be heartbroken. I attended her wake—knew completely nobody—and sobbed within the entrance now. This was my first private loss: somebody I knew and beloved alone accord. Connected together with her all alone. Lost her the identical, all alone.

For many months, I’ve been battling this colour of grief. Thoughts of “I didn’t even know her that well. Why do I feel this pain so deeply?” proceed to wreak havoc in my thoughts. I felt so entitled to an evidence, however had nobody to ask. We didn’t also have a photograph collectively.

I’ve at all times anticipated loss as part of life. Inevitable. But I didn’t assume I must wrestle with validating myself for feeling it. How does one take care of grief that seems baseless? What makes grief okay? The depth of a relationship? The size? 

But the center doesn’t work that means.

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What it means to grieve

Connection isn’t measured in amount. And neither is loss.

I believe that generally, we attempt to quantify grief as a result of we would like it to make sense. We need to have the ability to clarify it—to justify the heaviness. But grief isn’t logical. It’s emotional. It doesn’t present up when it’s handy. It doesn’t look ahead to its flip. It simply arrives and asks to be felt.

I’ve spent months making an attempt to file this sense away into neater, smaller shapes. But to really feel deeply shouldn’t be a weak spot. It’s not an overreaction. It’s not embarrassing or exaggerated. It’s being human. And if we deny ourselves the correct to grieve, we deny ourselves the correct to be totally alive.

For me, all grief is legitimate. Whether you misplaced a good friend or a future, a beloved one or a model of your self, you’re allowed to take a seat with that ache. You don’t need to earn it. You don’t have to elucidate it. You simply need to let or not it’s. What issues most is that you simply hearken to it. Let it title itself. Let it take up area.

Over the previous few months, I’ve tried to do this. I’ve turned the sensation over many times, hoping to make sense of it. And whereas I don’t have all of the solutions, I’ve arrived at one easy fact: Grief, in all its shapes, textures, and hues, exists. And all of it’s actual.

It’s okay to grieve for one thing small. It’s okay to grieve for one thing sophisticated. It’s okay to grieve even in the event you can’t fairly clarify why. Because it’s actual, and that’s what makes it sufficient.