Fraudcasting Yourself Can Be So A lot Enjoyable

I’ve been engaged on my aspect hustle for a number of months after being laid off by my earlier job. I obtained a really good leaving bonus, so I can survive for many of the 12 months by being frugal. Despite this, my good friend has been bugging me for months:

Friend: “You need to put yourself out there! Make a resume on LinkedIn and [similar sites]! Network!”

Fine. You need me to make a profile? I’ll make a profile. I pull up a resume web site and begin typing:

• Education:
  • Harvard University: Graduated magna cum laude… whereas nonetheless within the womb.
  • PhD in Applied Procrastination — University of Someday, 2031 (anticipated).
• Experience:
  • Lead Dinosaur Wrangler, Jurassic Park International, 2014–2018.
  • Astronaut Barista, International Space Station Café, 2019–2020.
  • Time Travel Consultant, Past & Future Solutions Ltd., 2021–Present.
  • Cat Translator, freelance.
• Achievements:
  • Won gold within the 100m Invisible Sprint, 2016 Olympics.
  • Discovered a brand new colour (patent pending).
  • Lead Yeti Outreach Coordinator (Improved cryptid–human relations by 78%.)
  • Once defused a ticking toaster bomb in below three minutes.
• Skills:
  • Fluent in Whale Song and Morse Code (concurrently).
  • Can maintain my breath for two.3 Netflix episodes.
  • First human to efficiently train a goldfish the way to use Excel.

I hit “Publish.” Laugh, shut the laptop computer, and overlook about it. My good friend doesn’t learn it, however sees {that a} new resume has been added to my profile, and stops bugging me about it. 

One week later, the telephone rings.

Caller: “Hi, is this… uh… [My Name]? We saw your resume online and think you’d be a great fit for our exciting opportunity.”

I acknowledge this kind of name instantly. Some poor schmuck who’s instructed to name each resume holder they will discover for an “exciting opportunity,” which is often a rip-off. They need you to spend money on what is going to quickly grow to be a pyramid scheme, and also you’re a part of their new “sales team” or one thing like that. They by no means learn the resume; they simply need people who find themselves determined sufficient for work… ANY work.

Time to have some enjoyable.

Me: “Oh, interesting! Which part of my resume stood out to you?”

Caller: “Well… uh… your leadership skills and, uh… problem-solving abilities.”

Me: “Be specific, please.”

Caller: “Well, um, the… uh… your… work at…” *Suddenly now realizing my resume is a steaming pile of s***.* “Jurassic Park?!”

Me: “Yes, handling velociraptors really teaches you to multitask.”

Caller: “…Is this resume… a joke?”

Me: “No, it’s a test. And you failed. Goodbye.” *Click.*

Within two weeks, each rip-off name dies off, which is a crying disgrace, as I used to be having a lot enjoyable with them…