I wasted 10 years chasing success—right here’s why it left me emptier than ever – VegOut

I used to suppose success would repair all the things — self-worth, belonging, even the anxious thrum beneath my ribs. So I stacked promotions, raises, and LinkedIn milestones like sandbags towards uncertainty.

For some time, the technique labored. New title, new excessive. Bigger bonus, greater buzz. Then the thrill wore off quicker every time. I’d open my laptop computer to a full calendar and really feel… clean.

I didn’t hate my work; I simply couldn’t really feel myself in it anymore. I knew how you can hit OKRs and polish board decks. I didn’t know how you can reply the quieter questions: What do I worth? What do I wish to contribute? Who am I when nobody’s clapping?

It took me a decade of chasing the following rung to appreciate I wasn’t climbing towards something actual. I used to be climbing away from myself.

I confused success with security

When you develop up believing stability is the very best advantage, “safe” can masquerade as “right.” I selected the status path as a result of it appeared bulletproof: revered agency, measurable wins, clear story. Underneath, my nervous system was bargaining for certainty.

As famous by Rudá Iandê, “We live immersed in an ocean of stories, from the collective narratives that shape our societies to the personal tales that define our sense of self.” I’d absorbed a narrative that sounded noble however stored me numb: If I obtain sufficient, I’ll lastly be okay.

The hassle? Safety constructed on exterior approval isn’t protected. One reorg, one market flip, and your id wobbles. Real security has a special texture — it comes from expertise you belief, values you reside, and relationships that maintain even when your title modifications.

I didn’t be taught that in a efficiency assessment. I realized it the primary time I let a challenge go that seemed spectacular and selected one which felt sincere.

Outcomes with out that means really feel hole

There’s a second after the confetti settles whenever you count on to really feel completely different and… you don’t. I hit a number of “somedays” — the compensation band, the position scope, the panel invite — and felt an sudden quiet afterward. Not peace. Just vacancy.

Why? Because the outcome wasn’t tied to that means. I used to be optimizing for optics: polished metrics, tidy dashboards, proof I mattered. The human mind loves novelty and reward, but it surely habituates rapidly. If the work isn’t tethered to goal, each win is a sugar rush.

I needed to ask tougher questions: Who advantages from this final result? Would I do that if nobody knew? Does the method develop my capability to serve in methods I care about?

When I began measuring success towards these questions, fewer issues certified. The ones that did, although, left a gentle heat as an alternative of a fleeting excessive. Progress felt like belonging, not performing.

Perfection stole the enjoyment

Perfection appears like excellence’s cousin, but it surely’s actually concern in a pleasant outfit. I spent years sanding edges, over-prepping, and delaying launches to keep away from criticism. The work seemed immaculate. I felt threadbare.

Research from the University of Ottawa makes a pointy distinction between perfectionism and what they name excellencism.

While perfectionists are haunted by concern of failure and sometimes expertise greater stress and dissatisfaction, excellencists pursue excessive requirements flexibly—and revel in better life satisfaction, progress, and psychological properly‑being.

The second I let “good enough for learning” change “flawless or nothing,” my power returned. I shipped drafts earlier. I requested for suggestions sooner. I observed how a lot creativity blooms when it doesn’t must audition.

Perfection is dear; it taxes curiosity, relationships, and braveness. Excellence, however, is beneficiant — it invitations iteration, collaboration, and play. If you’re secretly exhausted by your personal requirements, that’s information. Not a failing. A message.

Applause grew to become the metric

Here’s a confronting query I needed to ask myself: Did I wish to be efficient, or did I wish to be admired? The sincere reply for a very long time was “both,” with admiration within the driver’s seat.

I dressed my people-pleasing up as professionalism — the yeses, the “no problem” replies at 9:47 p.m., the elegant decks that masked a frayed bandwidth. It seemed spectacular. It felt empty as a result of the stakes weren’t mine.

As Rudá notes, “Their happiness is their responsibility, not yours.” That line hit me proper between the shoulder blades.

I began separating deliverables from devotion. I might ship high quality with out donating my nervous system. I might care with out caretaking. The applause dimmed once I stopped overfunctioning, however my integrity bought louder. Eventually, so did my influence — as a result of I used to be saying sure to the work that really wanted me.

My physique knew earlier than my thoughts did

In spreadsheets, I might justify all the things. In my physique, I couldn’t conceal. Tight jaw earlier than “important” conferences. Afternoon complications after “quick syncs.” The Sunday coronary heart flutter that signaled dread, not pleasure. I chalked it as much as being “busy.” It was data.

Trail working taught me to pay attention. On the path, your physique provides real-time suggestions — tempo, breath, terrain. Ignore it and also you journey. Honor it and also you discover a rhythm. The identical applies to life. Our our bodies converse in sensations: heaviness, constriction, ease, enlargement.

When I started to trace these indicators, patterns emerged. The work that lit me up had three qualities: service, educating, and making complicated concepts really feel human.

That’s additionally when writing began to make sense. The extra I honored these indicators, the much less I wanted adrenaline to push me by the day. My calendar didn’t change in a single day, however my selections did.

What I name success now

I nonetheless care about targets. I simply care extra about alignment. Here’s my easy take a look at for fulfillment now: Is this sincere? Is it helpful? Is it form to my future self?

I’ve talked about Rudá Iandê’s guide Laughing in the Face of Chaos earlier than; the guide impressed me to query the programming I’d inherited and to belief the intelligence of my feelings.

One line I carry on a sticky observe: “You have both the right and responsibility to explore and try until you know yourself deeply.” That’s the other of chasing another person’s end line.

Practically, it appears like fewer initiatives, clearer boundaries, and extra time making, not proving. It appears like measuring per week by who I helped and what I realized, not by how busy I felt. It appears like constructing a life I don’t have to flee from — even on Mondays.

How I began to really feel full once more

I didn’t blow up my life. I made smaller, braver swaps:

I traded “What do they expect?” for “What do I stand for?” I changed prove-it initiatives with build-it initiatives. I shifted one meeting-heavy afternoon into deep work. I stated no to work that was shiny however misaligned and sure to work that was quieter however significant. I let relationships recalibrate round my boundaries.

I additionally stopped arguing with my feelings. Anxiety stopped being an enemy and have become a messenger: Something wants consideration. Rest. Support. Clarity. Often, the repair wasn’t heroic.

Psychologists name this cognitive reappraisal—reframing the way you interpret your feelings in order that they information quite than derail you. Studies present it persistently buffers stress and anxiousness, providing a robust method to cut back damaging outcomes and assist well-being.

Sometimes the repair was only a stroll, a dialog, or selecting a more true sure. Over time, these tiny acts rebuilt belief with myself—and unusually, that’s when alternatives that really match started to point out up.

Why the vacancy was the trainer I wanted

I used to resent the hollowness that adopted victories. Now I see it as a compass. Emptiness says: the vessel appears proper, but it surely’s not holding what you want. If you are feeling it, you’re not damaged. You’re being redirected.

And right here’s the shocking grace: once I stopped chasing success as a cure-all, I began experiencing extra of what I wished success for within the first place — steadiness, connection, inventive circulate. Not as a result of I “won.” Because I aligned.

As we continue to grow, we’ll disappoint folks, change our minds, and take a look at new paths. That’s not failure; that’s aliveness. Success, to me now, is the privilege of spending my power on what I imagine in, with folks I respect, in a manner that lets me sleep properly.

Outro

If you’re working arduous and feeling nothing, that feeling is information. Pause. Ask your quieter questions. Notice what your physique says earlier than your mind makes a slide about it. Choose one small, more true swap this week and see what shifts.

The title on your online business card is a chapter header, not your biography. The vacancy you’re apprehensive about isn’t a verdict — it’s an invite. And in order for you a nudge to look at the tales you’ve inherited, I’ll gently advocate Rudá Iandê’s Laughing in the Face of Chaos once more.

His insights gave me language for what my physique already knew: success with out self is a wonderful shell. Fill it with that means, and the metrics will handle themselves.