‘Enjoyable got here earlier than paying payments’: My brother-in-law is in his 70s and homeless. Are we answerable for him?

By Quentin Fottrell

‘At one level, he was even taking objects from pal’s houses after they let him stick with them’

“We know the brother has a son somewhere who is around 50.” (Photo topic is a mannequin.)

Dear Quentin,

My husband is in his late 80s. He has a sister who is nearly 80 and a brother in his early 70s. He and his sister have had little or no contact with their brother up to now 35 years, and so they final noticed him at a funeral 10 years in the past. The youthful brother has at all times lived second to second. He has misplaced houses, automobiles and marriages as a result of enjoyable got here earlier than paying payments.

At one level, he was even taking objects from pal’s houses after they let him stick with them. ???We have been just lately contacted by an company that stated he’s homeless, and so they’re searching for somebody to take him in and be answerable for him. My husband says he wouldn’t be comfy with him dwelling in our residence. Neither would I. He has a son someplace who’s round 50.

If the son cannot be discovered, is my husband or his sister in any means answerable for their brother’s housing, medical bills or money owed? ??

The Sister-in-Law

You can e mail The Moneyist with any monetary and moral questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and comply with Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform previously often known as Twitter.

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Legally and morally, you aren’t answerable for this man’s payments or his medical bills.

Dear Sister-in-Law,

When there is not any belief, there’s little probability of a relationship, monetary assist or housing.

Your brother-in-law wants a long-term answer and, if he has stolen from mates who’ve beforehand opened their doorways to him, I do not see the way it’s your duty to permit him into your own home. It will deliver disruption, distrust, chaos and – if what you say is true – lacking silver. There would additionally seemingly be no finish in sight to his keep.

As for his money owed, this isn’t your rodeo. Legally and morally, you aren’t answerable for this man’s payments or his medical bills. You do not say what group contacted you, however the National Careline, amongst different organizations like an area grownup protecting providers company, might be able to assist. Find your native APS right here.

It makes extra sense so that you can discover your 50-year-old nephew and see whether or not he has the monetary and emotional capability, and the time, to arrange the subsequent steps for his father, which can or might not contain him dwelling together with his son. My guess is that his son has moved distant, given the chaos such a dysfunctional parenting scenario can wreak on kids.

Toxic parenting

Author Susan Forward’s guide “Toxic Parents” explores the worth programs, ideologies and lifelong tasks that oldsters move all the way down to their kids, usually unconsciously. Families is usually a supply of affection and help, however relations may also situation one another to behave in a sure means primarily based on dysfunctional intergenerational relationships.

“Most adult children of toxic parents grow up feeling tremendous confusion about what love means and how it’s supposed to feel,” she writes. “Their parents did extremely unloving things to them in the name of love. They came to understand love as something chaotic, dramatic, confusing, and often painful – something they had to give up their own dreams and desires for.”

More than two dozen U.S. states have “filial responsibility” legal guidelines that return to colonial instances and – in concept, a minimum of – impose an obligation on grownup kids to help their impoverished mother and father, though there are few precedents, if any, for such legal guidelines to be utilized extra typically in 2025. Here’s a listing of the states which have these legal guidelines, even when they do not implement them.

One state did just lately use its filial-responsibility legislation to drive an grownup little one to pay his mom’s debt: In 2012, a Pennsylvania courtroom dominated that this man needed to pay his mom’s $93,000 nursing-home invoice after she moved to Greece. That determination, nevertheless, was primarily based on the courtroom’s view that the son had made a monetary dedication to honor these prices.

As for you and your husband, you might be establishing bodily, emotional and monetary boundaries. If you do not really feel comfy having this man dwelling in your house – and why would you? – hearken to these emotions and act upon them. The cellphone name you acquired merely represents an eldercare consultant finishing up their required due diligence.

Resources for readers

For anybody else studying this who, like your 50-year-old nephew, has a mum or dad who’s in want of economic or mental-health help, the AARP Foundation has an area help program listing, a information to livable communities and details about senior-living housing. The Eldercare Locator, a part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, may also assist join folks in want with native providers.

There is a scarcity of senior housing within the United States. “At the current rate of development, the U.S. will add only 191,000 units by 2030,” says NIC MAP, an information service. “We need 560,000 new units to keep up with demand. This leaves a gap of nearly 370,000 units, which is a shortfall that could leave thousands of seniors without access to quality senior housing.”

Last yr, the Department of Housing and Urban Development introduced $115 million in grant funding to help the event and enchancment of rental housing for low-income seniors. An growing variety of folks over 50 do not consider they will be capable to stay of their residence into retirement. You can learn extra about that right here.

Good luck to you and your nephew.

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The Moneyist regrets he can’t reply to questions individually.

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-Quentin Fottrell

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