espresso chats and tradition shocks [lifestyle]

There’s nothing like caffeine-induced jitters to affirm that you’re certainly an Ivy Leaguer. This time final 12 months, I’d by no means pictured myself strutting down Thayer Street, wielding an atrociously overpriced chilly brew from Ceremony on my method to a consulting membership meet-and-greet. And but, per week in the past, there I used to be: the bodily manifestation of sleep-deprivation, profitable ambition, and imposter syndrome—caught up within the frenzy of a brand new life I’d solely simply begun.

How, you would possibly ask, did I find yourself right here?

I’d name it destiny, however that doesn’t do justice to the hours of supplementals, Common App malfunctions, and limitless transcript requests I needed to chase right down to even take into account the potential of transferring. What stored me going throughout this course of, although, was visualizing myself strolling to class at Brown like a lady on a mission, spiral pocket book in a single hand and, maybe, a espresso within the different. Picture Meryl Streep as Miranda in The Devil Wears Prada, or Sandra Bullock as Margaret in The Proposal. In this scene, I had a objective. I used to be intent on one thing. I used to be, for lack of a greater time period, the principle character.

At my earlier faculty, I fancied myself a misplaced artist. When folks requested about my post-grad plans, I’d supply hazy solutions—that I used to be drawn to writing, or that I loved a very good piece of artwork. Beneath that masks, I felt unsettled by the disarray of my disparate pursuits and the prospect of what lay forward. 

When I got here to Brown, nevertheless, I resolved to refine my trajectory and use the alternatives right here to meticulously curate a ten-year plan similar to everybody else. To abandon my tendency to drift round aimlessly and select one thing of my very own. Something that, like a cup of espresso, would give me the enhance I wanted to really feel a way of belonging.

I’d by no means, ever—not even as soon as—drank a sip of espresso till my first day at Brown. In reality, the one caffeine-adjacent product I consumed recurrently throughout my first 12 months of faculty was matcha-flavored ice cream from Trader Joe’s. I used to look smugly down on those that wanted their morning cup to operate, assured that I used to be not practically sleep-deprived sufficient to succumb to such an dependancy. But issues modified. It began after I found the idea of a “coffee chat” on day certainly one of orientation. Suddenly, espresso wasn’t only a drink that regarded cool—it was an initiation ritual, the value of admission to golf equipment, jobs, and networks.

I ought to have began off gently. Should have eased my method into this new life. But I made a decision the one method to actually slot in at Brown was to go full throttle. I scanned Ceremony’s menu for an merchandise that might embody the brand new me. As I did so, I noticed that espresso orders say so much about an individual. Strawberry matcha? Far too colourful. No one would take me significantly if half my drink was pink. My eyes scanned right down to the subsequent merchandise. Brown sugar espresso latte? Far too candy. Something that tastes like dessert shouldn’t depend as espresso and doesn’t belong in a enterprise setting. I wanted a change. I wanted to show to myself that I used to be powerful and prepared for a problem. That I used to be a woman who meant enterprise. No extra matcha ice cream. I knew simply what to get. 

I felt subtle as I requested for a big black chilly brew. The phrases rolled off my tongue as if it wasn’t my first time ordering one thing from a espresso store that wasn’t a chocolate croissant or cake pop. When it was prepared, I snagged the cup and rapidly studied Google Maps for instructions earlier than setting off for Sayles Hall, proudly displaying the darkish mahogany liquid because it caught the September daylight. 

Though my lips pursed with the primary sip I took, I rapidly satisfied myself I preferred my espresso this manner—bitter, chilly, and powerful. From then on, I grew to become intent on incorporating this quirk into my new Ivy League persona. My signature order grew to become the sidekick I carried with me to the numerous extracurriculars I had signed up for. My stacked Google Calendar—which I had begun utilizing for the primary time—and the empty cups of black espresso accumulating on my desk have been a testomony to my exhausting efforts at conforming to what I mistakenly thought was the expectation, and all the things I’d been lacking earlier than. It wasn’t all enjoyable and video games anymore. I had made it to Brown. It was time to get severe like everybody else… proper?

 But there’s solely a lot caffeine the human physique can deal with. Only so many variations of a superbly drafted resume to distribute to varied golf equipment and associations and societies. Only a lot you possibly can change. It all got here to a head one night time when, after consuming two cups of chilly brew after 4:00 p.m., I couldn’t go to sleep for the lifetime of me. Eyes vast open and fingers jittering from a caffeine overload, I sat and mirrored for the primary time since I set foot on campus.

I had virtually forgotten your entire level. I didn’t come to Brown to blindly hop on the pre-professional pipeline. I didn’t come to ditch my passions for writing and artwork for consulting (a job title I fairly actually needed to seek the advice of ChatGPT to outline only a couple weeks in the past). I didn’t come to Brown to desert the equally inventive and confused elements of me. I deleted all of the tabs on my pc for golf equipment I solely wished to affix due to the lengthy line on the membership truthful. I cancelled the consulting espresso chats. I cleared my G-Cal of Investment Group conferences (I hardly know what a inventory is), pre-law associations, and all the opposite sporadic occasions I’d been dreading, leaving solely these which felt most like me—post- journal, TEDx, and a capella. I now noticed vacancies in my week: time I might commit to binge watching The Summer I Turned Pretty with my new associates, knitting on the Main Green, or simply merely current. 

_______

While this two-week whirlwind might sound melodramatic and irrational and erratic (all of that are true), each second was helpful to me. Even although I’m now at Brown, I’m nonetheless very a lot the identical misplaced and meandering model of myself I used to be a 12 months in the past—extra drawn to writing, reflection, and exploration than to a neat pre-professional path. And fortunately, that was, and is, nonetheless okay. That’s why I got here to Brown. To discover and experiment and trade concepts and, in the end, to search out peace and objective within the passions (prestigious or not) that give me a way of house. 

I’ve been at Brown for 3 weeks, and I haven’t felt extra at house than proper now as I clank away at my keyboard. A matcha latte sits beside my desk as I sort away. I’m sipping it, relishing the sweetness of the milk and delicate taste that doesn’t make me cringe. It jogs my memory of my matcha ice cream, solely in drink kind. I’ve been experimenting with new flavors as of late—I’ve tried vanilla, lavender, and, sure, even strawberry. My plan is to work my method by means of Ceremony’s complete menu. I haven’t discovered my new signature drink, however I have dominated out black chilly brew, a minimum of for now.

I’ve nothing towards those that really take pleasure in black espresso and enterprise apparel and consulting corporations and company lingo. All the facility to those that search objective within the grind and enjoyable within the competitors. All I’m saying is that possibly that’s not me. And possibly that’s okay. Maybe that is the place I’m meant to be in any case—ingesting my matcha and writing my coronary heart out and questioning what’s on the menu at Andrews tonight. Because, possibly, even at an Ivy League, it’s okay to not know all the things.