7 issues self-absorbed companions do this slowly kill connection — one dialog at a time – VegOut

Ever been in a relationship that felt prefer it was shrinking as an alternative of rising?

At first, you may chalk it as much as stress, busyness, or “just a phase.” But typically, it’s not about exterior pressures in any respect—it’s a couple of gradual emotional erosion taking place one interplay at a time.

Self-absorbed companions usually don’t seem poisonous on the floor. They could be charming, witty, and even deeply clever. But spend sufficient time with them, and also you begin to really feel… invisible. Conversations turn out to be one-sided performances. Your emotions begin to really feel like background noise.

The fact is, connection doesn’t die in grand explosions—it fades in micro-moments of dismissal, interruption, and indifference.

Let’s discover seven refined habits self-absorbed companions have interaction in that slowly kill connection, one dialog at a time.

1. They make each story about themselves

You’re sharing a tough day at work, and earlier than you even end your sentence, your accomplice jumps in with, “That reminds me of when my boss…”

Sound acquainted?

Self-absorbed individuals have an uncanny capability to hijack any subject and spin it again to their very own lives. They don’t essentially imply hurt—it’s usually routine. But over time, this sample erases the sense of “us.”

Psychologist Dr. Harriet Lerner as soon as wrote that “real listening requires the willingness to be changed by what we hear.” And that’s precisely what’s lacking in these conversations: the openness to carry house for an additional particular person’s actuality with out centering your personal.

The outcome? You begin sharing much less. You begin shrinking your tales to suit their consideration span. Eventually, emotional intimacy withers as a result of it could’t survive in an area the place just one particular person’s expertise issues.

2. They compete as an alternative of join

Ever observed how some individuals flip vulnerability right into a contest?

You say, “I’ve been so exhausted lately,” they usually reply, “You think you’re tired? I only slept three hours last night.”

This isn’t empathy—it’s emotional one-upmanship. Instead of assembly you in your emotions, a self-absorbed accomplice feels the necessity to outdo them, as in case your battle someway threatens their sense of significance.

This fixed comparability makes emotional security unattainable. Relationships thrive when companions validate one another’s experiences, not once they reduce them to raise their very own.

When I left my company finance job years in the past, I had a accomplice who consistently in contrast our stress ranges. No matter what I stated—good or dangerous—it someway turned a mirror for him. It took me months to understand that wholesome love doesn’t measure; it empathizes.

3. They hear solely to answer

Have you ever spoken to somebody who provides all the precise nods and “mm-hmms” however whose eyes let you know they’re already getting ready their subsequent line?

That’s what it appears like speaking to a self-absorbed accomplice.

They don’t hear to know—they hear for his or her cue to speak.

And when that occurs repeatedly, you cease feeling secure sufficient to share your actual ideas. You begin modifying your self to keep away from being dismissed.

Communication knowledgeable Stephen Covey famously stated, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

When this dynamic turns into the norm, connection breaks down—not as a result of there’s yelling or combating, however as a result of there’s no actual presence left.

This behavior usually hides a deeper insecurity. People who dominate conversations with rehearsed responses normally worry shedding management. Ironically, of their effort to remain in cost, they lose the very intimacy that makes relationships price having.

4. They dismiss feelings they don’t perceive

Few issues sting greater than opening up about how you’re feeling—solely to be advised you’re “overreacting” or “too sensitive.”

Self-absorbed companions usually reduce others’ feelings as a result of they lack emotional curiosity. If it’s not one thing they personally really feel or comprehend, they brush it off. The unstated message turns into: your emotions are inconvenient.

As Rudá Iandê writes in his new e-book Laughing in the Face of Chaos: A Politically Incorrect Shamanic Guide for Modern Life, “Our emotions are not barriers, but profound gateways to the soul—portals to the vast, uncharted landscapes of our inner being.”

That perception hit me deeply. I spotted that after we dismiss our accomplice’s feelings, we’re not simply rejecting their emotions—we’re rejecting a chunk of their interior world.

The e-book jogged my memory that empathy isn’t about understanding each emotion; it’s about welcoming it. The second we begin labeling one other’s emotions as “too much,” we begin shutting down the bridge of belief that intimacy will depend on.

5. They give recommendation if you simply want empathy

You’re venting about your day, and abruptly your accomplice goes into “fix-it” mode:
“Have you tried talking to your boss?”
“You should just stop letting it bother you.”
“Maybe you’re being too hard on yourself.”

Here’s the factor: not each dialog wants an answer. Sometimes, individuals simply have to really feel heard.

Self-absorbed companions usually mistake empathy for effectivity. They deal with emotional sharing like an issue to resolve moderately than an expertise to carry. But true empathy doesn’t rush to repair—it sits beside the discomfort.

I keep in mind as soon as telling a pal a couple of household situation, and as an alternative of leaping into recommendation, she merely stated, “That sounds heavy. Do you want to talk about it or just vent?” That query modified the whole lot. It gave me permission to really feel, not simply to “resolve.”

Healthy connection is inbuilt these pauses—these moments the place somebody chooses presence over efficiency.

6. They subtly undermine your confidence

Some self-absorbed companions use humor or “constructive criticism” to chip away at your confidence. They may say issues like, “You’re so emotional sometimes,” or, “Wow, you really overthink things,” and snigger it off as teasing.

But make no mistake—repeated micro-digs corrode belief. They plant seeds of self-doubt, making you second-guess your reactions and instincts. Over time, you begin silencing your self earlier than they even need to.

As researcher Dr. Kristin Neff factors out, “Self-compassion is not self-indulgence; it’s emotional resilience.” And but, individuals who can’t supply compassion to themselves usually can’t prolong it to others.

If your accomplice’s phrases go away you questioning your price moderately than feeling seen, it’s not a communication situation—it’s an emotional imbalance. Love can not develop the place one particular person consistently feels small.

7. They dodge accountability

When confronted about hurtful conduct, self-absorbed companions usually deflect, deny, or flip the blame again on you.

“It’s not what I said, it’s how you took it.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“Can we not make everything my fault?”

Sound acquainted?

This is probably essentially the most connection-killing conduct of all, as a result of accountability is the inspiration of belief. When somebody refuses to acknowledge their influence, they educate you that your ache doesn’t matter.

As famous by relationship therapist Esther Perel, “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.” Accountability is that high quality—it’s the willingness to personal errors, restore harm, and evolve collectively.

Rudá Iandê writes in Laughing in the Face of Chaos, “Being human means inevitably disappointing and hurting others, and the sooner you accept this reality, the easier it becomes to navigate life’s challenges.”

That passage jogged my memory that taking duty isn’t weak point—it’s maturity. Every relationship hits friction; the distinction lies in whether or not each companions use that friction to develop or to deflect.

Final ideas

If any of those patterns sound acquainted, take a deep breath—you’re not alone. We’ve all fallen into moments of self-absorption. It’s a part of being human. The downside arises when these moments turn out to be a approach of relating.

I’ve discovered that connection doesn’t thrive on grand gestures or completely phrased apologies—it grows in small acts of consciousness. Noticing after we interrupt. Asking as an alternative of assuming. Listening with out planning our subsequent line.

Laughing in the Face of Chaos jogged my memory of one thing easy however profound: “The greatest gift we can give to ourselves and to each other is the gift of our own wholeness.”

When we present up from that place—conscious, accountable, and emotionally current—we cease needing to dominate the dialog. We begin creating house for love to truly breathe.

So, the following time you end up or your accomplice drifting into self-centered territory, pause. Ask: Am I listening to attach, or to be heard?

That single query might be the bridge between loneliness and intimacy—between speaking and really being seen.