Huge Phrases Are Huge Enjoyable

Time in your weekly version of the Defector Funbag. Got one thing in your thoughts? Email the Funbag. You may learn Drew over at SF GATE, and buy Drew’s books whereas you’re at it. Today, we’re speaking about Trump within the sales space, floaters, tape nerd, woke journey plans, and extra.

Your letters:

Vince:

In final week’s Funbag, you used the phrase “obviated” within the query concerning which gadgets college students pack when transferring right into a dorm. This marked the fourth time in two weeks I needed to lookup a brand new phrase after studying it in your web site. Was there some inner memo at The Defector encouraging writers to toss in huge phrases each time potential?

There was no such memo. I do know just a few huge phrases, and typically I exploit them the place they make sense. I am an expert author, in any case. It’s enjoyable to make use of a giant phrase in sure spots, and never even for a budget ego enhance. I identical to it when there’s a selected phrase that sounds precisely proper for the thought I’m making an attempt to convey. I used to be by no means the sort to lookup phrases within the dictionary, regardless that it’s an excellent behavior. But after I come across a brand new (to me) phrase that I like, I’m at all times excited after I come throughout a primary spot to make use of it. For instance, I discovered the phrase “esker” (a protracted ridge shaped from naturally deposited sediment) from our Rocks for Jocks professor in faculty. He was a cool professor. He smoked a whole lot of weed and performed rec hockey. He additionally knew a LOT about what the earth is product of.

Fast ahead practically 20 years, and I’m writing my first draft of The Hike. I’m laying out this scene in a forest, and instantly my thoughts remembers the phrase “esker.” I throw it in there, as a result of it helps flesh out the setting. Then the ebook comes out and I get a bunch of individuals going, Where the fuck did he get the phrase “esker” from? That was cool. It’s enjoyable to share phrases with individuals. And since English is without doubt one of the largest languages in human historical past, you by no means run out of recent phrases to search out, after which share. Shit, I be taught a brand new phrase just about each time I learn our personal David Roth. Took me about 50 exposures till I lastly understood what “ouroboros” meant.

To that finish, good friend of Defector Stefan Fatsis simply revealed a very good book about how the dictionary is compiled, and the way each single phrase within the dictionary has its personal historical past, its personal paper path, and its personal devotees. Fatsis breaks down huge phrases, but in addition a whole lot of widespread ones, together with my beloved f-bomb. Maybe it’s time I really began to USE a dictionary for this job. It would have our readers bursting with ebullience!

Joey:

At what level can I anticipate to stroll into a rest room and never discover unflushed shit in the bathroom? My children are 5 and 6. 

I want I had a definitive reply for you, however my sons STILL depart floaters within the can for me to come across. Then I stroll into the TV room and go, “Who didn’t flush the toilet?!” they usually each plead ignorance. These aren’t small boys, both. They’re 13 and 16 years previous. To their barest credit score, they often flush the brown down. But they don’t at all times achieve this, and that’s unacceptable. These two needs to be on the “always flush” stage by now. They shouldn’t have mind lapses in that division. You arise from the bathroom, you see a mass of filth down in there, and also you bear in mind to flush. My sons don’t even drink but, both. Hence, NO EXCUSES.

Oh, they usually depart the seat up after they piss. This is far more comprehensible. They’re teenage boys, and I personally needed to get married earlier than I totally dedicated to that behavior. You know the deal there. You’ve watched Jerry Seinfeld do standup. But I get on my boys about it anyway. Both boys are on the age the place the one argument I’ve in my quiver is, “Girls won’t talk to you if you do that!” And what? It NEVER works. Ever. Whatever occurred to teenage boys doing something they may to get laid?! THIS IS ALL WOKEISM’S FAULT.

Joe:

I’ve heard you and some others make enjoyable of tape nerds however not give particulars. As somebody who solely performed center college soccer, watching QB School has actually helped me perceive soccer rather a lot higher. So I’m confused as to why watching a tape nerd is a foul factor. What are these different guys doing? Lecturing coaches to punt extra or throw extra checkdowns?

No no no, J.T. O’Sullivan is exempt from my ridicule. He kicks ass, and I discover his QB School breakdowns as precious as you do. I exploit “tape nerd” as a lazy epithet for any mildly outstanding analyst on social media who likes to isolate particular performs to make a wider declaration about that participant as a complete. This occurred continuously in the course of the again half of Aaron Rodgers’s profession in Green Bay, when he might nonetheless make throws that no different QB might make, however by no means ended up with any postseason {hardware} to indicate for it (I contemplate wins a QB stat). I discovered this deeply annoying, principally as a result of Aaron Rodgers is a dipshit.

This is a phenomenon throughout soccer media as a result of the Dan Orlovskys of this world are inspired by their employers to puff up gamers. Highlighting a grimy throw from Justin Herbert is a simple method of doing that. I’ve no existential drawback with this, until they’re speaking up gamers I know aren’t pretty much as good as they’re promoting. That goes for late-stage Rodgers, for Herbert, and for this asshole:

So you see, I actually solely use “tape nerd” to shit on individuals who say good issues about gamers I don’t like. Per week in the past, I took the other tack and bought all mad at them for saying MEAN issues about my very own quarterback. I additionally bought mad on the “data humpers” for brandishing skinny metrics that stated likewise. Then J.J. McCarthy took the sector in opposition to Baltimore on Sunday afternoon and demonstrated all of the accuracy of an RFK Jr. public well being advisory. So all of my enemies have been most likely appropriate about him. For that, they need to now pay.

(BONUS VIKINGS MINUTE: Prior to drafting J.J. McCarthy, Vikings head coach Kevin O’Connell famously stated that organizations fail younger quarterbacks extra usually than the opposite method round. The implication was that O’Connell, the supposed QB whisperer, wouldn’t make the identical mistake. So you perceive why I, and each different Vikings fan, am confused as to why O’Connell had a clearly erratic McCarthy throw the ball 42 instances on Sunday in an eminently winnable recreation. When Vikings working backs have been averaging 6.8 yards per carry. One of McCarthy’s two picks got here when O’Connell known as for a deep go at midfield on third-and-1. No group passes in short-yardage conditions greater than Minnesota, and no group is worse at it. It’s fucking BAFFLING, and there’s little or no to recommend that O’Connell sees any flaws in his method. He’s failing his handpicked QB in actual time and may’t see the irony in it as a result of he’s too up his personal ass. I do not know what the subsequent transfer is right here; all I do know that Minnesota is working out of time to salvage McCarthy, and that he’s most likely past salvation already. All due to O’Connell’s huge dumb ego. I discover all of this deeply, deeply annoying. But additionally, Jordan Love nonetheless blows.)

Alex:

When you sweep your tooth, do you moist the comb earlier than including toothpaste or after? I’m a moist the comb AND toothpaste after form of man. But I get an enormous eyeroll from my spouse when she sees me making an attempt to impart this essential a part of every day life on the youthful tooth brushers in our home. 

I moist my toothbrush earlier than placing on the toothpaste, in any other case I’m at risk of rinsing the paste off the bristles earlier than I’ve even began brushing. Can’t have that. But to every their very own; I’m not gonna challenge an edict about it.

I additionally don’t ever bear in mind making an attempt to affect my children both method. I simply advised them, “Brush your teeth.” I’m certain that, once they have been little, my spouse or I pre-applied the toothpaste to offer them a head begin, however this reply is boring sufficient already with out these further particulars. Right now, I’d favor to deal with kids who don’t flush a giant ol’ duker down the bathroom. YEAH I’M TALKING TO YOU, MY TWO RUDE SONS!

Cheryl:

Someone wrote shortly again asking in case you thought tortilla chips have been ever good on their personal or if they’re solely good as a way to scoop up dips. If I recall appropriately, you stated that they’re actually solely good with dip. I’d like to supply the counterpoint that they are often good on their personal—actually good, the truth is—in case you are supremely excessive. When if I’ve smoked fairly a bit and run out of buffalo rooster dip (the champion of dips, IMO), I’ll proceed consuming the tortilla chips by themselves. 

Well Cheryl now we’ve a thriller. Either I wrote that chip take whereas I personally was excessive (unlikely, as a result of I at all times write sober), otherwise you tricked your self into considering I stated that as a result of YOU’RE excessive. Or I did certainly say that plain tortilla chips have been inessential, however didn’t actually imply it. Which situation explains this satisfactorily, and why is it the third one? I could need to get Benoit Blanc on the horn to unravel this.

Anyway, I favor to dip my plain tortilla chip into some salsa or guac, however I don’t contemplate them inedible in any other case. Quite the opposite. Like you Cheryl, I too have been supremely excessive. And such as you, I’ve discovered common ass tortilla chips greater than satisfying after I’ve had the munchies. Especially in the event that they’re legit tortilla chips, like those you get at any Mexican restaurant. Those chips are so contemporary, and so heat. They come out of the fryer so extremely skinny, shattering in your mouth with each completely happy chew. Fuck, now I need some restaurant chips and salsa.

Now, whereas I’m utilizing this week’s column to unload on my sons for his or her occasional breaches of decorum, right here’s yet one more gripe. The 16-year-old loves Chipotle. Eats there each time he sees the possibility to. I don’t thoughts paying for it, however I’ve repeatedly advised the man, “Hey, if you go to Chipotle, bring me back some of those chips.” This is as a result of Chipotle makes kickass tortilla chips, including in a squeeze of lime juice on the finish to offer them a little bit further persona. Anyway, my son nonetheless by no means brings these chips house. He doesn’t even eat them himself! He simply orders his meals minus chips after which peaces out! The betrayal I really feel as a father … I can not describe it. Every time I am going with out chips, or uncover a fudge log bobbing round in the bathroom, I endure a grievous emotional wound.

Miles:

Earlier this yr I made a pact with a good friend that if Zohran gained, we’d go to New York in 2026. The thought was to indicate assist for the motion. As somebody that has a robust connection to New York, do you could have any recommendation on the right way to go to in a method that helps, or no less than respects, the individuals and coalitions that made Mamdani’s win potential?

You’re overthinking it, amigo. Just go to New York and have time. Eat a unclean water sizzling canine. Buy shitty trinkets at one of many reward outlets. Ask an area for instructions someplace. Eat an overpriced Italian dinner. You don’t strike me because the form of man who would go to New York and say, “Let’s tour the offices of Goldman Sachs and then eat only at chain restaurants in Times Square!” If you could have good style, as all readers of this column do, you’ll inevitably do shit on a New York go to that helps one, if not many, of the individuals who shaped Mamdani’s coalition. There’s no want to ensure your trip is sufficiently woke, though I do sense a enterprise alternative in a sequence of guidebooks branded The Woke Traveler.

Because a go to to New York City, or every other metropolis, is a present of assist for that metropolis. Tourism {dollars} matter to a metropolis’s residents, they usually matter to a metropolis’s powerbrokers (for higher or worse). They are, within the old style capitalist sense, a vote together with your pocketbook. So get on the market and have time, kiddo. There’s no unsuitable solution to do it.

HALFTIME!

Michael:

Was it widespread information that Trump was going to be on the Lions/Commanders broadcast? I used to be at a bar watching the midday video games however you could possibly solely hear the sound for the Bears. By the time I bought house and put the Lions recreation on, fuckin’ Trump is speaking. I am going out of my solution to keep away from that man now. 

No, his look within the Fox sales space was a shock. And such a contented one! What higher to spend my Sunday than by testing a blowout between the Commanders and Lions, as known as by the trio of Kenny Albert, Jonathan Vilma, and Donald Trump? Never have I felt so relaxed. And god bless Red Zone Channel for sticking with the Trump audio nearly the entire method by way of. You understand how lengthy he was on that sales space? FOREVER. Every time Trump opened his mouth, each minute grew to become an hour, each hour a century. Putting adverts on RZC didn’t trouble me practically as a lot as seeing Scott Hanson maintain on President Deathbed as he known as a working play.

By the best way, I wrote a fast newser right here on Sunday about Trump fucking with the nation’s air journey system. Hours after that put up went dwell, quite a few Senate Democrats conceded to a funds take care of the Asshole Party. A number of commenters in my put up then accused me of jinxing the take care of my weblog, regardless that I by no means predicted something in it. All I did was yell FUCK at our shitty president. We have greatest readers on the planet and the perfect remark part on the web, so I’m not gonna forged aspersions on them as a complete. But for the handful of commenters who blamed me for one thing simply attributable to Dick Durbin’s continued existence, I’d prefer to make the next predictions:

• Your favourite group will win a championship subsequent season
• Trump will die of pure causes earlier than the top of December
• Your marriage will stand the check of time
• A feral monkey will not present up at your step and chew your genitals clear off

Write these picks down. They’re a lock. No I’m not being humorless you might be.

Ben:

If you needed to decide a sandwich to throw at a fascist, what sandwich are you selecting and why?

Meatball sub. Piping sizzling. I wish to inflict each ache and a hefty dry cleansing invoice.

John:

Has Andy Benoit been vindicated?

For these of you unaware, John is referring to a post I wrote for Deadspin eight years in the past that shat throughout Benoit, then a author at SI. Benoit, who as soon as tweeted, “Women’s sports in general (is) not worth watching,” wrote a put up beneath Peter King’s MMQB banner about how Matthew Stafford, then languishing in Detroit, was by far the superior QB to Russell Wilson, then a perennial MVP candidate and Super Bowl champion for the Seahawks. This was a standard-issue take from Benoit, who would eat tape all week in the hunt for essentially the most Mike Lombardi-esque opinion he might probably muster. Writers like Benoit have been one of many causes that Deadspin existed within the first place. Assholes like him wanted correct correction.

Anyway, Benoit was finally let go by SI and landed a job as a particular tasks assistant for the Rams in 2021. That similar yr, the Rams traded for Stafford and gained a title with him. Benoit would depart the Rams for the thirty third Team in 2023. But this season, his previous employer is once more the most effective groups within the NFL, and Stafford is a primary candidate for league MVP. Meanwhile, Russell Wilson is now Joe Flacco with out the great vibes. Also, superior stats now present that Wilson has spent his whole profession both unwilling, ever, to throw the ball into the center of the sector. Oh, and his teammates can’t stand him. We can now say that Matthew Stafford is the objectively higher soccer participant. Hell, he may be the most effective QBs ever to play the sport.

Does all of that vindicate Benoit looking back? Well, I’ve to be the larger man right here, so enable me to lastly say it:

No. Fuck that asshole.

Ricky:

What is nerdier, sci-fi or fantasy?

Fantasy. Unless you’re tremendous sizzling.

Cliff:

As a Dorito lover, what are your ideas on the Walking Taco? Looks like the large wigs at Frito Lay and the USDA teamed up on this one.

Frankly, I’m shocked that Frito Lay wanted this lengthy to applicable the strolling taco/Frito pie for their very own profit. But all they did for it was roll out Dorito luggage that open in panorama mode as an alternative of portrait. First of all, enterprising people already knew the right way to use a daily chip bag to make a strolling taco out of it. Second of all, making the opening in that bag wider makes it tougher to eat your strolling taco. Eating that shit out of a daily chip bag is vital, as a result of the smaller aperture retains all the messy components contained in the bag. You don’t wanna give a stray lettuce shred the possibility to interrupt include, in any other case your strolling taco turns into a sitting taco. So don’t purchase the official Frito Lay strolling taco gear. You are NOT supporting the Mamdani coalition in case you do this.

Andy:

Last week I had my first legit Banh Mi and it was so unbelievable that I’ve not stopped enthusiastic about it since. My spouse has even yelled at me for bringing it up no less than as soon as a day since. What is the final meal that had this impact on you?

Fucking salted cream espresso! I used to be so into that shit that I wrote a complete put up about it! And after I visited my daughter at school just a few weeks again, I noticed a Vietnamese espresso store and howled like a ravenous coyote. I stated to everybody within the household, “I gotta get a coffee!” after which introduced one again and was like, “You guys HAVE to try this.” They have been deeply embarrassed by my habits. But in addition they gave the espresso its props. That drink is past legit.

Also, I had a steak tartare in Paris just a few years in the past that I might get on a aircraft immediately to eat once more.

Mike:

I’ll be partaking in my first away recreation as a Seahawks fan once they play the Rams this week. Seeking on recommendation on the right way to take pleasure in myself and never get my ass kicked as a visiting fan.

Who’s gonna kick your ass at a Rams recreation? The CFO’s child waving a RAMS HOUSE towel that he bought free at Gate F? You’ll be fantastic in Inglewood. Shit, you and your fellow Seahawks followers will most likely have Rams followers outnumbered. This isn’t Philly. You’re not gonna get a Weber kettle grill thrown at your head for carrying rival garb. You’re amongst regular followers in L.A.

But let’s say you ARE going to Philly, or another loony bin, as a visiting fan. I’ve no ironclad technique so that you can keep away from battle, as a result of drunken assholes will do what drunken assholes do. But when I’m in enemy territory as a fan, I simply attempt to go about my enterprise. I put on my group’s shit, I take catcalls with good cheer, after which I root for my group as regular from the stands. I don’t puff my chest in the event that they’re profitable (often not a priority anyway), and I don’t crash out in the event that they’re shedding. I act like, , an grownup. That’s the perfect you are able to do, actually. You can’t forestall a beatdown, however you’ll be able to forestall deserving one.

Jordan:

I undergo you that complaints and discourse on who sucks and who is nice are wildly overrated. I can not be the one one that barely listens to the printed, regardless of the game. On event, one in all Jonathan Vilma’s, Doris Burke’s, or John Smoltz’s takes will slip by way of, however I seldom take heed to any sports activities broadcast loud sufficient for it to actually matter. I’m additionally so targeted on the sport itself that the commentator’s voice fades.

I’m additionally good at tuning out shitty announcers. I didn’t even know that John Smoltz sucked till everybody else pointed it out. He’s bought a low sufficient register that I can ignore him for lengthy stretches with out a lot effort. When the colour man occurs to be Trump although, that’s a little bit bit tougher to do. God, I want he have been simpler to disregard. I’d hand over the deed to my home for it.

Michael:

How lengthy might you go with out utilizing your thumbs? Not saying they’re damaged or something, however in case you simply purposely tried to not use them? Could you make it a month for a good-looking payout?

Hang on, lemme attempt to sort my reply with out usi—nope. Nope, I simply used my thumb on the house bar half a dozen instances. You’d have to chop off my thumbs to forestall me from utilizing them, and that’s not well worth the dough.

Josh:

You know that sensation when your hand is moist, you contact an ice dice, and it feels just like the ice is cold-welding itself to your hand? Why is that not talked about extra? In phrases of run of the mill inconveniences/annoyances, I might encounter it’s method up there.

Yeah, however have you ever ever had that occur together with your tongue, Flick fashion? That’s the true scare. I preserve telling those who ice cubes are too chilly, however nobody will pay attention.

Email of the week!

Drew (not me):

I washed my palms in a Buc-ee’s restroom and dried them with paper towels as I walked out. Out of the nook of my eye, I noticed a trash can about eight toes away. As I walked in the other way, I turned to toss my wadded-up paper towels in. As I used to be letting go of the wad, I spotted that the highest of the trash can was coated by a lid that had one small gap within the center, six inches in diameter on the most. I had no time to regulate my shot earlier than letting go. I began transferring in direction of the trash can, as a result of I assumed my shot wouldn’t go in and that I’d want to complete the job. Instead, it went straight in, nothing however internet. Three guys I didn’t know congratulated me. They all gave real smiles; one pointed at me, one other gave me a fist bump, and one other stated, “Nice!”

Related, I lately discovered in regards to the Buddhist idea of “sympathetic joy” which is mainly being really completely happy for one more’s success or good luck. I’ll admit, it’s uncommon for me to congratulate somebody with out feeling a contact of envy, jealousy, resentment, fear, self-consciousness, and many others. But when a man makes a tricky trash-can shot, I do really feel that sincere, whole-hearted pleasure on his behalf. It appears that these three guys at Buc-ee’s really feel the identical method. Is it straightforward so that you can really feel this pure pleasure on one other’s behalf?

When I learn this story, it’s. Nice shot, brother.