There is a giant earnings disparity with me and my girlfriend. She’s tremendous beneficiant with me, however her newest provide may be an excessive amount of.

Pay Dirt is Slate’s cash recommendation column. Have a query? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s nameless!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My girlfriend has a elaborate job, and I’ve a notoriously underpaid job. Because of how we met, it was very clear to us each instantly that I had no cash and she or he had numerous it. She stated “my treat” the primary time she requested me out, and once more on all of our early dates, till she ultimately stated, “It’s always my treat, OK?” I stated, “Not always,” and I do purchase us coffees or groceries to make dinner, or no matter, issues I can afford to do. Her generosity has mainly meant we are able to date, as a result of I might by no means sustain together with her life-style if I needed to pay for nearly something we do collectively. I nonetheless dwell at my financial degree, aside from once I’m together with her and she or he pays for every thing.

We have been collectively three months now, and she or he simply advised one thing that is smart logically, though I do know it’s not “normal.”

She desires to present me a bank card that connects to her account for once we are doing stuff collectively—so I might purchase fancy groceries if I’m going to cook dinner us dinner, for instance, or open a tab if I get to the bar early, and many others. But I’ve a good friend who thinks that is stepping into “kept woman” territory. (My girlfriend and I are each girls.) My good friend thinks it’s important that I flip down the cardboard and in addition that I attempt to put a restrict on how a lot I let my girlfriend spend on me “to try to get back some of my power.” Honestly, what she is saying doesn’t actually make sense to me, however I wished to verify to see if I’m lacking one thing right here. Is it dangerous that I’m letting my girlfriend subsidize our relationship like this? Is her giving me this card a extremely dangerous concept?

—Grateful Girlfriend

Dear Grateful Girlfriend,

Your good friend is being a bit dramatic about taking again your “power,” however she’s not totally mistaken in regards to the card. Here’s why: It’s been three months. That’s extraordinarily early in a relationship to turn out to be financially enmeshed with somebody, regardless of how beneficiant or beautiful they’re.

Your girlfriend sounds genuinely variety, not controlling. She’s not making an attempt to “keep” you—she’s making an attempt to make logistics simpler so you may take pleasure in actions collectively with out the awkwardness of you ready for her to reach and pay. That’s considerate. But accepting a bank card tied to her account means you’re one dangerous breakup away from having zero entry to the life-style you’ve been residing, and doubtlessly ugly conversations about what you charged.

Here’s what I’d counsel as an alternative: decline the cardboard for now, however inform her you admire the thought. If you’re going to cook dinner dinner at her place, she will be able to Venmo you grocery cash or choose up the groceries herself. If you’re assembly at a bar, she will be able to open the tab when she arrives, or you may wait to order. Yes, it’s barely much less handy. That’s OK.

It’ll offer you time to consider the deeper points at play:Aare you two constructing towards a future collectively or are you her enjoyable undertaking? Do you actually have shared values and the same viewpoint on the world? Are you balanced emotionally, constructing from energy to energy? At some level—possibly a yr in, maybe, if at that time you’re speaking about transferring in collectively or getting married—shared funds may make sense. But three months is approach too quickly to surrender your monetary independence, even partially.

Keep residing at your financial degree, repaying her kindness with the coffees and treats you may afford. Stay grateful for her generosity, however preserve your autonomy. If this relationship is actual, you’ll discover out quickly sufficient.

—Ilyce

Classic Prudie

My greatest good friend and I’ve been shut for about 20 years. We’re each artists in our 40s who typically collaborate. There has by no means been something even remotely sexual or romantic about our relationship. I’m fortunately single, and he’s very unhappily married, with toddlers for whom he’s the first caregiver. His spouse is sensible and has a really high-pressure, time-consuming job. She and I are pleasant however have by no means been particularly shut. I socialize often with him, recurrently with the entire household, and typically simply together with her. He’s very sad of their marriage (as is she, I feel). He talks about it with me so much. A LOT.

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