Dry January’s turned me right into a bore of Olympian proportions

With as a lot enthusiasm as I can muster, I’m happy to let you already know that I’ve just lately been chosen to characterize Australia on the upcoming Boring Olympics.

As with any elite sport, preparation has been key. I began my coaching on January 1 by succumbing to the bombardment of Facebook feeds from individuals telling me how good life is with out alcohol. I purchased a ticket on the “Dry January” practice and took my seat.

A collection of qualifying occasions adopted. These included “coming up with a pointless anecdote”.

So I went out to dinner with a buddy and informed her concerning the three police automobiles that drove previous me throughout the day with their sirens on. She waited for me to proceed. But there was no extra so as to add.

The judges had been impressed by my potential to inform a narrative with no center, no finish and never a touch of a plot twist.

The subsequent occasion was scheduled for a Friday afternoon. I knew this one was going to be tough as a result of since giving up the grog, Friday afternoons have been the toughest hurdle of all of them.

Come 4pm on a Friday arvo, it has taken a gargantuan stage of energy, willpower and stern self-talk to not pop a cork.

Luckily, I’d executed some laundry on the day of the occasion and the 30-minute monologue I delivered to my associate in direction of the top of the day about whether or not the doona cowl was dry sufficient to be taken off the clothesline was sufficient to get me over the road.

Since qualifying, I’ve been doing a little bit of analysis concerning the opponents I’ll be up towards. The competitors seems formidable.

There’s an English girl who began an Excel spreadsheet appreciation chat group, a plain rock collector from France and a Norwegian girl with an in depth photographic assortment of letterboxes.

Having solely been boring for a month, I do know I don’t stand an opportunity towards opponents of this calibre, however this hasn’t stopped me placing in a bit of additional coaching earlier than the large occasion. I’ve discovered the perfect place for pre-Olympic coaching is at locations the place individuals are ingesting.

I heat up by introducing the truth that I’m doing “Dry January”. This at all times raises a blended response. Some individuals drain their glass and head for the bar. Others, eye me curiously and ask how arduous it’s been. I don’t lie. I say it’s been arduous – significantly Friday afternoons – however I inform them it does develop into simpler as the times progress.

The unsuspecting will casually ask if I’ve observed any distinction since ditching the drink. This is the place I do my finest work. I begin by speaking about the perfect sleep I’m having – no interruptions – go to mattress, fall asleep and keep asleep till the alarm. I then transfer to how clear within the head I really feel.

My ideas aren’t jumbled, my thoughts is calm and I’m concentrating higher. By this level, I can see their eyes glazing over so I change into prime gear by introducing a subject that my non-drinking self feels is sort of attention-grabbing – celebrities who don’t drink.

Bradley Cooper, Kim Kardashian, Anne Hathaway, Naomi Campbell, Brad Pitt – the checklist goes on. And so does my viewers. On to the bar to get refills.

Training accomplished, I heat down by telling anybody who’ll hear how wonderful it’s that non-alcoholic beer tastes like the actual factor. I wish to share some mocktail recipes with them, however I do know I’ve completed my coaching session once I discover myself yawning.

Time to go house, have a cordial and watch an episode of the present I’m at the moment working my approach by means of. As I watch, I can’t assist feeling fairly smug within the information that I received’t need to replay the episode the subsequent day to search out out why the principle character has ended up in hospital.

I’m pondering of getting a morning tea to lift a bit of cash to get me over to the Boring Olympics. Unfortunately, because it seems, all of my family and friends are busy that day. Any takers?

Annemarie Fleming is a contract author and writer.

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