response to a manifesto [lifestyle]

cw: r*pe, sexual harrassment

Dear A, 

It was the spring of 2025. You, me, and P have been at Gigs on the Green, leaping up and all the way down to the Stowaways’ cowl of “Good Luck Babe.” The worst spring of my life was reaching its finish, and in a number of weeks, I might be headed to Nepal to analysis the thesis I had been planning since my sophomore yr. By the time I might return to Brown, my rapist would have graduated. As I checked out you and P, I felt, for the primary time in months, cautiously optimistic.

When most individuals take a look at you, they see a tall, curly-haired younger man with a flashy gold chain and an enthralling, toothy smile. But after I take a look at you, I see an earnest, barely awkward fifteen-year-old together with his life forward of him. In Normal People, Connell says to Marianne, “You’re the kind of person, people either love you or hate you.” She responds, “Well, you don’t hate me,” to which he says, “No, I’m immune to you, in a way. Because I knew you in school.” It’s the identical with you and me, minus the star-crossed romance. To me, you’ll all the time be A who I did highschool debate with.

I keep in mind noticing you round campus after I first arrived at our highschool purely due to your top. I had attended an all-girls Ok-8 faculty, so I used to be not used to having classmates as tall as you. I didn’t actually get to know you, although, till we have been each at that debate event in Sacramento in 2022, once you have been a sophomore and I used to be a freshman. Do you keep in mind? I used to be instantly struck by how type you have been to this scholar you hardly knew, giving me recommendation about public talking and highschool events and all these issues that appeared so essential to us then.

Over the course of many debate tournaments, you turned a brother to this solely little one. In Nepali, we name those that are older brothers to us, whether or not actually or metaphorically, “dai.” For instance: Ed Sheeran dai, Zohran Mamdani dai, Dean Rashid Zia dai. As time wore on, I began to think about you as A dai. I modified your contact identify to “A dai,” accordingly.

I beloved going to highschool with you. We would all the time get lunch a number of occasions a semester, sitting collectively exterior on the astroturf with our plates of tofu (ours was a ridiculous hippie highschool that the majority Brown college students don’t imagine is actual when I attempt to describe it to them). You requested me to handle your marketing campaign for scholar authorities, and I used to be flattered. Even although you misplaced, it was successful from my perspective, as “campaign meetings” have been a stunning pretense to gossip about our classmates.

Then COVID occurred and also you graduated and we misplaced contact. You had been such a fixture of my highschool life that the concept of holding in contact by no means occurred to me. One day, in the course of the spring of my senior yr, a silly second at a debate conference (see: a child attempting to waterboard himself to show that torture shouldn’t be unlawful) made me giggle out loud in disbelief. I keep in mind turning to the seat subsequent to me to say one thing snarky to you, solely to understand you weren’t there. You have been at Cornell by then, and I missed you.

A yr later, I used to be throughout the nation in Providence, experiencing the epic highs and lows of being 18 and clever and impulsive and emotional and drained. In different phrases, I used to be a first-year who lived in James-Mead. One evening, I used to be strolling up Thayer towards CVS when all of the sudden I noticed you whiz by on a bicycle. You didn’t see me. Immediately, I texted you: “Do you go to Brown???????”

You responded the following day, saying sure, you had transferred, and that the 2 of us ought to get dinner someday. So we did, on the Ratty. I ate a sandwich and stared in awe on the bearded man throughout from me. Who was this outdated man, and what had he carried out with A dai?

At one level, you requested if I used to be seeing anybody. I hesitated to let you know about my boyfriend—you have been household to me, and it felt vulgar to let you know about my romantic and sexual life. I managed to choke out an affirmative response, and also you congratulated me, giving me a type of earnest smiles that had made me belief you after I was 14.

We didn’t get dinner that always at Brown. We have been each busy folks. Besides, you have been A dai—you weren’t going wherever. Just after I thought I’d misplaced you, destiny had introduced you to Brown. How fortunate have been we?

Running into you on campus was all the time a pleasure. Once, you known as me an alien like Yves Tumor, and I wrote a poem about that touch upon the pleasure of being identified. Another time, I used to be dressed like Zendaya/Tashi in Challengers for Halloween, and also you mentioned it didn’t swimsuit me, that I seemed higher goth. The praise meant the world, as a number of buddies had mentioned the alternative, that I seemed higher when dressed regular, and that I ought to attempt it extra usually. Again, you made me really feel identified.

I keep in mind one other time after I was wearing these scary boots, and also you known as out out of your bike, “What happened to the old Indigo?” You have been referring, after all, to highschool Indigo, who largely wore ankle-length solar clothes and didn’t prefer to curse.

I yelled again, “I took her to a rock, and I killed her with my own hands!” Several heads turned towards us, involved, however we didn’t care as a result of we have been laughing.

Then got here the spring of 2025, that terrible spring. Every day was hell, however life went on—I went to class, wrote my essays, grabbed lunch on the Ratty with buddies. During one such meetup, my good friend M confirmed me some texts you despatched her. You have been inviting her to prepare dinner dinner at your condo, however your tone was pushy. I assumed too extremely of you to assume something of it and interpreted the messages as a poor try at expressing romantic curiosity. A dai wasn’t creepy. Awkward, perhaps, however so was I.

Even although it was a horrible, no-good spring, I nonetheless did my finest to have a stunning birthday. I invited everybody I like to Wick Pub, and, after all, you have been there. You solely stayed an hour, because it was your first cease of the evening. After you left, somebody requested me if I had invited you.

I laughed on the unusual query. “Yes, he’s a friend from high school,” I mentioned.

“Really?” She replied. “You guys sounded like two siblings bickering.” 

And so we have been.

The subsequent time we frolicked was at Gigs with P. I had simply discovered that you just had a crush on P, one thing you unintentionally confessed to me on 4/20. I had been stunned, as I had all the time assumed you have been one of many few straight alumni of our hippie highschool. After the 4/20 revelation, I invited P to Gigs with us and tried to set the 2 of you up by subtly taking a very long time within the lavatory or simply vanishing for prolonged durations.

After the Stowaways set ended, the three of us went out for drinks. You confessed that somebody at Cornell had accused you of doing one thing sexually inappropriate, and that you just had been socially ostracized due to the accusation. You spoke about it as when you had apologized, atoned, repented, mirrored. I beloved you, so I didn’t ask you to elucidate intimately the character of the accusation. I assumed it will need to have been a remark made in poor style. Since coming to Brown, you had began calling everybody “baby,” which I discovered hilarious, however I might see how it will make others uncomfortable. It was in all probability one thing like that, blown out of proportion.

Because you had simply shared a secret, I shouted one again over the noise of the bar. I informed you about my rape, my Title IX case, and the way I might have left Brown by now if not for L. You gave me a aspect hug, and I felt reassured by the appropriateness of the gesture. It was transient, a little bit awkward, and really chaste. In different phrases, an ideal hug to offer an individual after they’ve informed you about their rape. I informed you that I appreciated you, and I left the bar smiling, trailing behind you and P, hoping that you’d kiss.

Summer got here and went—my time in Nepal was extra lovely than I might have ever imagined. After returning to the U.S., I moved into an condo in Fox Point, the place, on a damp September evening, I obtained a textual content informing me that you just had raped somebody at Cornell. 

It all of the sudden all made sense—your sudden switch to Brown, your drunk confession, your texts to M. How might I not have seen it earlier? Shouldn’t being raped imply I can spot a rapist? I keep in mind dropping my telephone and dry retching over my carpet. I finally known as P to inform them about you, about what you have been. P, particularly, had a proper to know since they’d connected with you after our evening out (it was within the lobby of Steinert of all locations, however levity feels inappropriate at this level in my letter to you). P was devastated, and so was I.

I noticed you a number of occasions that autumn. You would wave at me from throughout the inexperienced, cease your bike to speak to me exterior the Lindemann, make eye contact with me within the VDub. I’d all the time flip sharply within the different route at any time when I noticed you, regardless of how a lot it disrupted my plans for the day or route by way of campus. It would have been too painful to speak to you—you knew what occurred to me, and I knew what you had carried out.

Of course, A, you understand that I imagine firmly in restorative justice, to the purpose that I insisted on giving that to my very own rapist. Many folks in my life protested, viewing my actions as lenient and misguided quite than principled and empathetic. You deserve the identical, however I additionally deserve the suitable to not converse to you for so long as it takes me to determine what I may even say. This just isn’t a selection I make frivolously. After I discovered what occurred, and I might see you from throughout the road, I didn’t see a rapist—I nonetheless noticed that 15-year-old from San Francisco. Your contact identify continues to be A dai, regardless that I’ve blocked you. I gained’t change it.

Over winter break, P texted me to let me know that you just’d launched a Substack manifesto. Obviously, I learn it, desperately scanning every line to see if I might discover A dai wherever. He was nowhere to be discovered. Instead, I discovered the crazed ramblings of a monster who admits to the world that the one time he ever felt human was when he was raping one other individual. When I learn that, I knew that I didn’t know you anymore. 

The worst half about this, A, is that that is precisely the type of betrayal you’ll have given me recommendation about navigate. I can see myself telling you about it and also you saying one thing ridiculous so as to add much-needed levity to the scenario. That was the A I knew.

In your manifesto, you write about being human in a approach that corrupts the sanctity of shared humanity. So let me let you know a couple of time I felt human. It was once we have been in that bar with P, and I informed you what occurred to me, and also you listened in the best way that solely an outdated good friend can. For a second, the care and love that I felt radiating from you eclipsed the horror of my rape, and I knew that I used to be going to heal, with time, by way of conversations like that.

You have the whole lot you want to restore the mess you’ve made, A dai. I actually hope you attempt. 

Goodbye, good luck, 

Indigo