Ought to I inform my youngsters their father’s secrets and techniques now that he is lifeless?

DEAR ABBY: My late husband was ailing for six years. He skilled some dementia. He wasn’t capable of work, and our life collectively modified quite a bit. I centered on supporting him by means of his decline till he finally ended his personal life. 

After his dying, I found a number of secrets and techniques. He hadn’t been sincere about his medical situation, presumably out of disgrace or as a result of he needed to guard us from the seriousness. There had been additionally secrets and techniques about his household he could have been ashamed about. He additionally modified his property plan with out telling me. These secrets and techniques and betrayals present he wasn’t enthusiastic about the impression of his dying upon me, they usually have made me query my beliefs about our marriage. 

I do know his selections weren’t about my value — they had been about his worry, disgrace, sickness and preoccupation with different household points. But I can’t inform any of this to folks as a result of I need to protect our grownup youngsters’s love and respect for his or her father. Also, I don’t need to take care of different folks making an attempt to grasp this loopy scenario. This feels so unfair, and I could by no means be capable of belief once more. Do you could have any recommendation? — KEEPING SECRETS IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR KEEPING: Please settle for my sympathy for the lack of your husband. From what you could have written, it appears the issues in your marriage began with the household secrets and techniques along with your husband’s rising dementia. My recommendation is to place an finish to all of these secrets and techniques now. Telling your youngsters the reality mustn’t make them lose respect for his or her late father. Whether the folks in whom you select to confide will perceive is irrelevant. 

What’s most necessary is that you simply free your self from the jail of lies through which you end up and discuss with a psychological well being skilled if it is going to show you how to higher perceive transfer ahead.

DEAR ABBY: My household is American, by means of and thru. We had some European ancestors again within the Ellis Island days, however we’ve been right here for generations and determine solely loosely with our European heritage. That being mentioned, my husband and I had been discussing names for our future youngsters, and I discussed that I’d like to have a son named after my great-grandfather. His identify was Jacques, but it surely was all the time pronounced like “Jack.” 

If I used the identify, I’d need to spell it the identical solution to honor him, however I’d really feel bizarre announcing it with a French accent once I don’t determine as French, nor do I’ve an accent. Is it OK to make use of the French spelling of a reputation after which pronounce it in an Americanized method? — PLANNING AHEAD IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR PLANNING: You are the dad or mum, and you’ll name your son no matter you want. Jacques will likely be his formal identify when you select to apply it to his delivery certificates, however he can use “Jack” if he needs. When he begins faculty, don’t neglect to speak to his academics and the directors how his identify is pronounced. 

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, often known as Jeanne Phillips, and was based by her mom, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.