My husband acquired our pal pregnant … perhaps. Can we faux we’re simply the enjoyable uncles both approach?

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting recommendation column. Have a query for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband “Todd” and I (we’re each males) have a mutual pal, “Wendy,” whom we’ve identified since faculty. Seven months in the past, Wendy was over at our place hanging out with Todd and having some wine. Apparently that they had an excessive amount of, as a result of they ended up sleeping collectively. I used to be aggravated, however Todd and I incessantly convey different guys in for some enjoyable, so I used to be prepared to miss it. Then, a number of months later, Wendy referred to as.

She’s pregnant, and now issues are difficult. Wendy is married, and she or he and her husband have spent greater than three years making an attempt to conceive with no luck. She isn’t certain whether or not Todd or her husband is the daddy. It received’t be lengthy earlier than the infant is right here, and the three of us are at a loss as to what to do.

Wendy’s husband has no thought about her second of weak point; Todd would like to be within the baby’s life if it’s his. Would the best choice be if all of us stored our mouths shut and my husband and I simply play the function of enjoyable uncles as soon as the infant arrives?

—Oops Baby

Dear Oops,

The fetus that Wendy is carrying will quickly be an individual, and that individual deserves to know who their organic father is. Luckily, Wendy can discover out this data proper now, whereas she’s nonetheless pregnant. She ought to to speak to her physician about getting a non-invasive paternity test utilizing a blood draw from her and a cheek swab from Todd. It’s 99 % correct, there isn’t a risk to the being pregnant, and the outcomes will inform your subsequent steps.

If the infant isn’t Todd’s, then certain, you may play the function of enjoyable uncles and nobody ever has to know that Wendy and Todd ever slept collectively.

But if the infant is Todd’s, protecting your mouths shut isn’t an choice. The baby might want to know that Todd is their organic father, which signifies that Wendy’s husband must know that it isn’t him. It’s doable that Wendy’s husband will depart her when he finds out that she’s carrying Todd’s child. It’s additionally doable that he’ll determine, such as you, to miss her dalliance with Todd and deal with their tryst as an unorthodox sperm donation.

Either approach, if Todd’s the kid’s organic father, then you definately, Todd, and Wendy (and perhaps her husband) ought to contact a household planning counselor and a household regulation lawyer to speak about subsequent steps. (Your native LGBTQ+ middle will be capable of join you with skilled and affirming professionals in your space.) They may help every of you perceive your choices for shifting ahead in addition to your rights and obligations. Todd and Wendy will each have some selections to make. It’s nonetheless doable that you just and Todd might be the enjoyable uncles, even when Wendy’s child is biologically his. But that’ll have be in writing with a authorized settlement. The baby should know that that their “fun uncle” is their organic father. Good luck.

—Logan

More Parenting Advice From Slate

My spouse and I, each girls, have one baby, who’s now 5. We used a sperm donor from a federally licensed financial institution, to make sure our authorized parental rights. I conceived and carried the infant, and each our names are on the start certificates. Here’s the factor: A few months in the past, I introduced up with my spouse the prospect of discovering our child’s donor siblings. She wasn’t loopy concerning the thought.

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