Powerful Love: My Stepdaughter Thinks Her Terrible Mom Is ‘Fun’

Dear Abigail,

Can I inform my stepdaughter that her mother is a bitch?

Three years in the past, I fell in love with an incredible man and his pleasant 10-year-old daughter. I by no means had any youngsters of my very own, and I had thought that ship had sailed, so I really feel so extremely fortunate to have this glorious little household in my life. I additionally understand how fortunate I’m that his co-parenting relationship is comparatively drama-free. In reality, for the primary couple of years, his ex was barely within the image.

Technically, my accomplice and his ex share custody 50-50. In follow, although, he has been the first mum or dad, caring for all the sensible parenting stuff—from medical doctors’ appointments to trainer conferences—whereas his ex was out “finding herself” on his dime. Her much-younger boyfriend didn’t like youngsters, so she usually solely noticed her daughter a few days every week, and spent her weekends principally pretending that she didn’t have one.

Now, she has a special boyfriend, who apparently likes youngsters, so all of the sudden she needs to spend extra time along with her daughter. Obviously, we perceive and admire {that a} child wants her mother, but it surely’s actually exhausting on my accomplice that Mom now will get to be the “fun” mum or dad.

At Mom’s home, his daughter by no means has to do something she doesn’t need to do. Mom doesn’t make her do her homework. Mom doesn’t make her follow her flute. Mom doesn’t make her take a bathe. Of course my accomplice’s daughter needs to make up for misplaced time with Mom, but it surely’s painful watching him have to listen to about how a lot better every thing is at Mom’s home.

His daughter has no concept why she spent extra time with dad to start with. She doesn’t know her mother didn’t WANT to take her when she walked out on their household. She doesn’t know her mother cheated on her dad, broke his coronary heart, after which took him for each penny he had. Nor ought to she. I’m fairly positive it’s higher that she doesn’t know any of this. Isn’t it?

But I’ve gotta let you know, typically I’m practically biting my tongue off to not inform her all of this. I want I may inform her the rationale her mother can take her snowboarding and horseback using and on journeys to the Bahamas: Dad pays for all of it.

Abigail, please discuss me down off this ledge earlier than I say one thing I’ll remorse, one thing I’m fairly positive gained’t really assist something, however will simply fire up a bunch of drama the place it needn’t be.

Thanks,
Phoebe, 52

Phoebe,

For years, I had doubts in regards to the King Solomon story—the one the place two girls combat over the maternity of a child. Was it credible that any lady may declare to like a baby after which, within the subsequent breath, cheer Solomon’s answer—that he slice the kid in two?

And then alongside you come, Phoebe, claiming to like this little woman, keen to see her torn aside. If I hadn’t obtained different letters of an analogous vein, I’d not have believed somebody who professes to care for a kid may ask: “Can I tell my stepdaughter that her mom is a bitch?”

The reality is, Phoebe, you might be in ample if not exactly good firm. When it involves youngsters, grownup loyalties, jealousies, and wishes result in ugly ethical blindness. Often, as within the King Solomon story, such sightlessness afflicts those that prioritize their very own grievances at a baby’s expense, as any divorce lawyer will attest.