Are You Chinese or Muslim? Navigating Identification and Belonging

“Are you Chinese or Muslim?” my classmate requested me within the faculty playground. He squinted questioningly at my mum, who had simply dropped me off on the faculty gates. She was carrying her lengthy skirt and her hijab, sq. and wrapped the Indonesian method with a brooch pinned on the entrance. It was noticeably completely different from the way in which different mums wore theirs. 

You couldn’t actually blame him – in our small faculty in a city in Yorkshire, nearly all of college students had been of South Asian descent. It should have been tough for that 7-year-old boy to think about that Muslims might seem like my mum and me, with our almond-shaped eyes. And my bowl minimize with a fringe – virtually a ceremony of passage for each East/South-East Asian lady – in all probability added to his confusion.

Although Islam was speculated to be my level of reference to the numerous Muslims in my neighborhood, nobody at our native mosque regarded like me, and there was just one different Indonesian household in our city.

I distinctly keep in mind squirming beneath the gaze of curious mosque-goers whereas sitting in my Qur’an class, feeling like a zoo animal. Combined with the racist anti-Chinese taunting I acquired from the youngsters in my neighbourhood, I by no means felt fairly at residence, and the sensation of not becoming in has adopted me for many of my life.

But within the playground, I used to be being taught swear phrases in Urdu by means of matches of giggles. My finest good friend’s mum fed me saag, which remains to be one in all my favorite dishes to today. Before Eid, the women in my class would talk about their new garments. They had been confused once I mentioned that I wouldn’t be carrying a salwar kameez as a result of Indonesians put on completely different garments for Eid.

As I grew older, I used to be aware of being in a novel place. I had an understanding of my mates’ cultures (albeit an outsider’s view), however my very own life was seemingly alien to them compared. Even the language my household used to explain our Islamic practices was completely different – solat, subuh, puasa (salah, fajr and fasting) – and I wouldn’t see anybody carrying a mukenah (Indonesian prayer garment) on the mosque as is customary in Indonesia.

Over time, I learnt to recount my tales in a method that was extra digestible, so I wouldn’t have to clarify myself.

Sometimes that meant skipping over the truth that I spent the weekend stomping on burlap sacks stuffed with soy beans in order that my mum might make tempeh. It was like being on the skin of an inside joke once I noticed others relating to one another in a method I couldn’t. Or if I discovered myself scrambling for phrases when making an attempt to explain one thing explicit to my tradition or residence life. Several instances, when somebody requested the place I used to be from and I mentioned Indonesia, they might eye my hijab and ask with a uncertain look on their face, “Are there Muslims there?”

Of course, a lot of this naivety could be attributed to our age on the time. But these experiences continued to observe me as I grew older. In secondary faculty, I keep in mind selecting not to hang around with a gaggle of Muslim ladies after I used to be side-eyed when requested what my ethnicity was. At an age the place being completely different might make you a social pariah, it was simpler to simply take away myself from the state of affairs and keep away from my identification being interrogated. In some circumstances, it was simpler to be mates with non-Muslims who had little data of Islam and subsequently little preconceptions of Muslim identification – one thing I maintained by means of college. Although the chums I made stay cherished mates to today, generally I discover myself questioning what I missed out on by not rising up with many Muslim mates.

It’s been nearly twenty years since I used to be requested whether or not I used to be Chinese or Muslim (a number of instances, in actual fact). Nowadays, folks haven’t solely heard of Indonesia, however additionally they know that it has the biggest Muslim inhabitants on the earth. The concept that somebody who appears to be like like me may also be Muslim is more and more seen because the norm fairly than an exception. I’ve lived in London for 5 years now, the place persons are from all over the place, and it’s regular to take just a few sentences to clarify the place you’re from.

I’ve slowly stopped enhancing elements of myself out – I now exit of my option to clarify what tempeh is manufactured from – and the folks round me reply with curiosity fairly than distaste. 

I’ve additionally come throughout Muslims from all walks of life and a big quantity who grew up because the ‘odd one out’ of their Muslim neighborhood. Although we don’t share ethnic backgrounds and even grew up in the identical nations, we share an understanding of what it’s prefer to should show that you just belong to a religion that’s already yours. It’s extremely reassuring to seek out out that you’re not the one one experiencing one thing so isolating.

It additionally helps that I’ve ended up forming an ethnically numerous circle of mates. We delight find the similarities in addition to variations between our cultures. For instance, do you know that males in (however not restricted to) Indonesia, Somalia and Bangladesh all put on a patterned, cylindrical fabric wrapped round their waists? It’s known as the sarung/macawis/lungi. It is commonly shocking how a lot now we have in frequent beneath the floor – how completely different languages and phrases usually describe the identical factor. We’ve since taken turns sharing our cultural meals, and each few months, I’m dragged to an Indonesian restaurant so {that a} good friend can fulfill their rendang craving. 

The largest game-changer was surrounding myself with Muslim mates, one thing that may have made me anxious once I was youthful, determined to not appear too other-worldly.

One of the most important benefits of dwelling in London is the abundance of Muslim occasions and organisations made up of individuals from quite a lot of backgrounds. Not lengthy after shifting, I had constructed up a stable community of shut Muslim mates with whom I might share my religion. As a outcome, it isn’t unusual to stumble upon an acquaintance whereas out and about, bringing a way of neighborhood to what’s in any other case a chilly and lonely metropolis. 

Recently, I used to be on a visit to Indonesia and picked up a mukenah for my flatmate at a market. In return, she gave me a Somali prayer costume. Two completely different cultures, two completely different clothes used for one objective – to worship Allah.

In the small reminders mates slip into dialog, in each fast cease to wish in a becoming room, and each iftar organised, I’ve discovered reassurance that beneath all our variations, we share the identical core values and goals.

The solely phrase I can use to explain how I really feel now could be reduction. Relief that I really feel comfy sufficient to share each side of my identification with them and that I’m embraced with understanding.