Samuel Lewiston “Sloot” Von Hansen has been a baseball fan and a math geek his entire life. When he found the world of sabermetrics, it intensified each pursuits and opened up a post-collegiate profession on the earth of baseball statistics. He was getting paid to do what he beloved, and there was no wanting again.
His opinion on sabermetrics in May 2026?
“Meaningless. A dog’s breakfast. Mere darts at a board,” he stated. “A handful of dust blown by an idiot wind.”
The explanation for Von Hansen’s lack of religion? Twins starter Bailey Ober.
“How can you explain what he’s doing,” cried the married father of two. “You cannot. The math does not math. He strikes nobody out. His fastball never hits 90. His changeup isn’t even a changeup, it’s just 5 mph slower than his fastball, which, as I have already said and will say again, isn’t fast.”
The closing straw for Von Hansen was Ober’s Tuesday night time outing, a masterful “Maddux” (an entire sport shutout with lower than 100 pitches thrown, named after Hall of Famer Greg Maddux) versus the Miami Marlins.
“The Minnesota Twins defense, outside of Byron Buxton, has never met a ball in play that they didn’t want to turn into a meal,” shouted a red-faced Von Hansen, rising louder by the second. “All Ober does is put balls in play because he can’t strike anyone out. Is no one else watching this happen? How can we abide this? Agahghaehage [sic]!”
Von Hansen stated he tried to calculate the chance of Ober’s Tuesday stat line on his laptop computer after the sport, utilizing Ober’s velo, BABIP, and workforce protection metrics. The consequence, he stated, broke him irreparably.
“The machine wouldn’t provide an answer,” stated Von Hansen. “Instead, it made a sound akin to a wave hitting a pier. The display went to blue and the air smelled of ozone. A message appeared. It learn:
ALL THESE WORLDS
ARE YOURS EXCEPT
EUROPA
ATTEMPT NO
LANDING THERE
USE THEM TOGETHER
USE THEM IN PEACE
“Then it melted.”
Von Hansen stated he has deserted sabermetrics, math, baseball, motive itself, and his household.
“I flew to Belgium last night and am driving to a remote monastery as I speak. I have renounced all my worldly possessions. I will sleep on the ground and help them make bread and vinegar. Nothing matters, you see? Do you see?”
Von Hansen broke down in tears and stated he was throwing his telephone out the window into a close-by pond. The line went lifeless.
Ober sits at 4-2 for the season with a 3.46 ERA. His subsequent begin is slated to be towards Milwaukee this Sunday.