Crafting Connections Beyond Labels – The Roanoker Experience

The article below is from our January/February 2025 edition. For more articles like this, Subscribe Today. Thank you!

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Combined families encounter distinct difficulties and benefits; by emphasizing love, regard, and togetherness, we foster homes characterized by unity instead of titles.

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One in three individuals in the United States belongs to a blended family, a familial structure that occurs when a couple establishes a life together with children from one or both of their prior relationships. During the summer of 2018, my spouse Donnie and I entered this expanding category. We exchanged vows, merging our lives—and our kids—as one. Donnie enjoys joking that he “brought three to the gathering,” while I contributed two, making us the proud guardians of five. Yet, life as a blended family isn’t always a “celebration.” Blended families frequently encounter challenges that differ from those that traditional family structures face; however, we endeavor to love and support each child equally.

We felt fortunate that our children were of similar ages and already had good relationships with each other. I truly cherished Donnie’s kids, and he felt the same for mine. Nevertheless, I couldn’t shake one persistent anxiety: would becoming their stepmother alter our relationship? I feared they might perceive me as gaining an “evil stepmother”—a notion shaped by years of watching Disney films like Cinderella. This stereotype has created a negative connotation with the term “stepparent,” frequently depicting them as unkind or scheming. Although I knew I didn’t match that description, I wanted to ensure my stepchildren didn’t view me through that perception.

To prevent anyone from feeling “excluded” within our family, we eliminated the word “step” from our language. We wished for all five of our children to feel equally cherished and supported, without labels implying separation. Instead, we describe our family as having “two daughters and three sons.” Occasionally, to clarify to outsiders, we may use “bonus kids” in place of stepkids, but within our family, the only “steps” are those we ascend.

Kenneth Palmer, a local dad, shares our philosophy. “I cherish Micah as if she shares my DNA. She made our family whole when I wedded her mother,” he states. “No additional label is necessary—the term ‘step’ is never utilized.” Palmer’s sentiment underscores the significance of concentrating on love and acceptance rather than labels.

How we refer to our loved ones holds significance, but that is merely a part of the equation. For many blended families, the path often follows prior marriages or relationships that didn’t succeed. Children adapting to these changes may experience conflicts of loyalty, sensing that forming a connection with a “bonus” parent could jeopardize their relationship with their biological parent. This emotional intricacy may lead to feelings of jealousy or resentment towards new siblings. On the other hand, adults may find it challenging to juggle their roles as partners, parents, and “bonus” parents. The solution to surmounting these issues lies in comprehending the distinct emotional landscape of each family member and fostering an atmosphere of empathy, patience, and communication.

Trust serves as the cornerstone of a thriving blended family. However, establishing trust requires time, particularly for children who might be cautious about sudden alterations to their family configuration. Building trust necessitates that adults remain consistent, dependable, and attuned to the needs of each family member. For instance, Donnie and I never position ourselves as replacements for a child’s biological parent; rather, we concentrate on nurturing a positive and supportive role. This tactic has aided our children in feeling secure and valued, thereby reinforcing their relationships with their biological parents while feeling comfortable with us.

Another Roanoke stepmother, London Ray-Dykstra, drew upon her own blended family experiences when she became a “bonus mom.” “I always maintained, ‘I am not her mom,’” London recounts. “I’m just another adult here to care for and support her. Why wouldn’t anyone appreciate having more individuals to care for and support their child?” London’s approach exemplifies the importance of respect and support for a child’s relationship with their biological parent. “Being anything less than supportive only complicates a child’s life,” she continues. For a blended family to flourish, effective co-parenting with former spouses is vital to lessen tension and prevent placing children in the midst of adult discord.

Engagements that enable family members to connect and bond authentically are invaluable in nurturing relationships. Family game nights, shared interests, or regular meals provide opportunities for each individual to interact and strengthen ties. Furthermore, dedicating one-on-one moments between parents and children, as well as between stepparents and stepchildren, fosters individual relationships within the family.

Blended families come in various formats and each journey is distinct. Our family, like numerous others, encounters challenges, but we confront them with love and patience. As we continue to develop together, we remain focused on our common objectives: supporting, nurturing, and loving each other unconditionally, with the understanding that family is characterized not by labels, but by bonds.

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The article above is from our January/February 2025 edition. For more articles like this, Subscribe Today. Thank you!