Help! I make video video games. My boss has some backward concepts about who ought to play them.

Our recommendation columnists have heard it all around the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share basic letters with our readers.Submit your own questions to Prudie here.

Dear Prudence,

I work for an indie online game studio that makes video games geared toward younger adults. Our firm values itself on being progressive, particularly in the case of content material having to do with gender and inclusivity. I usually love my job—there’s a number of writing concerned, and everybody appears on board with the message of tolerance and empowerment that I’m making an attempt to speak by our tales.

But at lunch not too long ago, my boss was telling me about his younger daughter’s troubles with making associates at college. She is serious about sci-fi and video video games, and he or she’s annoyed that the ladies in her 12 months are solely serious about “girl things.” My boss didn’t comply with up with “And so I reminded her that video games are ‘girl things’ too” or “Let’s try to not think of activities in terms of gender.” He form of dropped the story there with a shrug of the shoulders. In different phrases, he appeared to indicate that he was on the identical web page as his 10-year-old daughter, as if to say, “Yeah, it does suck that you like video games and girls your age are only interested in girl things!”

It’s been a pair days now, and I’m kicking myself for not gently asking him if he agreed with what she mentioned or if he deliberate to speak to her about mindsets towards gendered hobbies at any level. I additionally know that it’s actually not my place to do this! I’m an worker of his, and it could possible be crossing a line to grill him on his parenting. With that mentioned, we’re a really small crew, and we’re usually fairly pleasant and informal with one another; we all know fairly a bit about one another’s dwelling lives, and he’s requested some pretty private questions of me earlier than. Where’s the road right here? I hate to suppose that the determine on the helm of our good, liberal studio is harboring some crappy concepts concerning the very folks we’re crafting tales for.

—Should I Tell my Boss How to Be a Better Parent to his Daughter?

Dear Parent,

I feel in case your boss has requested you some ”pretty private questions” earlier than, an important factor to do going ahead is to make clear once you’re not comfy answering private questions in order that he stops asking you, to not attempt to go over his parenting methods with him once more. That mentioned, I perceive why that second stood out to you, particularly on condition that it was immediately associated to the form of work that you simply do. I feel there would have been room within the second to mildly push again, like, “Oh, I liked video games as a kid, and I hope she can find other girls who want to play too,” or mentioning that your audience at the least contains women who like video video games. But if that was a one-off comment and he’s in any other case a reasonably considerate boss, I don’t suppose it’s important to fear he secretly thinks all women aside from his daughter solely care about “girl things.”

—Danny M. Lavery

From: Help! My Fiancé’s Ex Is Our Neediest Wedding Guest. (From Oct. 07, 2019).

Dear Prudence,

My associates are all huggers. They usually hug to say hi there, and so they all the time hug to say goodbye. I’ve agreed to hug them, as a result of clearly they like it. But I don’t! I desire to shake arms. (I lived in France for some time, the place that’s far more regular.) Question is: How do I transition my friends-who-are-used-to-hugging to friends-who-understand-me-and-shake-my-hand as a substitute? I’m on the lookout for methods to phrase the request in addition to what environments to precise it in (in individual, over social media, and many others.). I nonetheless like my associates loads, however I wish to discover a approach to talk this extra clearly. (And sure, I’ve seen Seinfeld’s “The Kiss Hello” many occasions!)

—Handshakes Not Hugs, Please

Dear Handshakes,

I feel this can be a dialog finest carried out in individual, assuming your entire associates are usually reliable and well-meaning individuals who gained’t take “I don’t like hugging” as a dare to start out making an attempt to check that assertion with a number of further hugs. But you don’t want a lot in the best way of a script, I don’t suppose, until you’re fearful they’ll suppose it’s odd you haven’t talked about it earlier than: “I realize it may sound odd coming after so many years of knowing each other, but I really don’t like to hug, even with my closest friends. It’d make me feel more comfortable if we could shake hands instead—would you be willing to switch?” You can actually substitute “I’m going to stop hugging, and I just wanted to make sure you know it doesn’t mean I’m upset or unhappy to see you” for “Would you be willing to switch?” if that strikes you as unnecessarily tentative. (I haven’t seen Seinfeld’s “The Kiss Hello,” however I’ll take your phrase for it that it wasn’t useful to your scenario. Good luck! It’s a wonderfully affordable request!)

—D. M. L.

From: Help! My Sister’s Fiancée Has a Fake Service Dog. (Sept. 30, 2019).

Dear Prudence,

My good friend and her associate got here into many tens of millions just a few years in the past. I’m pleased for them and have by no means (and would by no means) ask for something, however she has been very beneficiant over time. Here’s the factor: She’s extraordinarily detrimental. When we join in individual, there may be all the time one thing mentioned about occasions from our shared previous, particularly our previous former employer (we haven’t labored there in a decade). Most not too long ago, she speculated about one among our former colleagues and why he’s nonetheless on the firm, though he might’ve jumped ship and joined her firm and been a millionaire immediately.

I do know this most likely sounds gentle, however I’m bored with her negatively rehashing the previous, and I actually suppose she ought to transfer on. I don’t need to speculate on what’s happening along with her, however I think about she feels a measure of guilt (and probably isolation) as a result of her new monetary—and, by extension, social—standing. She’s undoubtedly referred to having “survivor‘s guilt.” Thankfully, we’re each working with certified therapists, and I think about she discusses this with hers. Is there a manner I can inform her she will be happy to share emotions that will come up round her newfound wealth? How can I respectfully and lovingly inform her her detrimental feedback are turning me off?

—Newly Rich Friend Has Become Negative

Dear Friend,

I’m unsure that you simply do must deliver her standing as a millionaire into this. Even if she weren’t one, it could nonetheless be exhausting to listen to her complain about former co-workers she hasn’t seen since 2009 frequently. A way of “survivor’s guilt” would possibly play into this, or it won’t, however you may actually depart the hypothesis about what’s underpinning this conduct to her (and her certified therapist). All it’s important to do is deliver the conduct to her consideration: “I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but every time we get together you bring up our old employer to complain about things that happened 10 years ago, and it’s getting pretty exhausting. I don’t want to talk about this with you anymore. I’d appreciate it if you could stop bringing it up so we could find other things to talk about.”

—D. M. L.

From: Help! Is There a Nice Way to Tell My Husband He’s Racist? (Dec. 23, 2019).

More Classic Prudie

If I get another one who takes out a cellphone in the midst of dialog, I’ll lose my faith. The closing straw was when a daughter of a good friend requested me for skilled recommendation, and as quickly as I began addressing her concern, she took out her cellphone and began responding to a textual content. I finished speaking instantly, and it took her a full 15 seconds to appreciate that I used to be ready for her to complete her textual content. Finally, she seemed up and mentioned, “I’m listening.” No, younger good friend, you aren’t.