Swimming In Westport’s Strain-Crammed Waters: A Psychologist Seems to be At Teenagers

Westport mother and father don’t contemplate themselves tiger mothers (or dads).

But — to combine metaphors — the strain to reside as much as excessive requirements is a part of the ether right here.

And — to combine them once more — “there are a lot of very accomplished people here. Our kids swim in those waters. Even if the parents try to send a message that it’s okay” to not get all A’s, or be the captain of each group, “the kids interpret it that way.”

Dr. Timothy Schmutte

That’s Dr. Timothy Schmutte talking. He’s a scientific psychologist who lives and practices in Westport, and an assistant professor of psychiatry at Yale School of Medicine. His analysis focuses on suicide prevention.

He is aware of these waters. And he’s keenly conscious how treacherous they are often.

With 2 sons at Staples High School — and having taken half in quite a few PPTs, IEPs and 504 conferences — “Dr. Tim” appreciates the psychological well being suppliers and alternatives within the Westport Public Schools.

But he is aware of what they’re up towards.

The draw back of rising up in a high-powered, high-achieving, high-expectation city is that there’s an expectation that it’s regular, and good, for everybody to be high-powered and high-achieving too.

It’s pure for folks to evaluate themselves — or at the least their parenting abilities — by the accomplishments of their youngsters.

But when mother and father sense a crimson flag — that there’s one thing completely different or worrisome of their youngster’s life — they might name Tim.

“They present as a very convincing image of the son or daughter would want to have. So we talk about life,” he says of his conferences with teenagers. They open up about how over-committed they really feel. Advanced Placement and Honors courses; at the least one sport; SAT and different tutors; finding out to be an EMT — “these kids are juggernauts,” he notes.

On the floor, they appear to carry it collectively properly. But as Tim digs deeper, he sees that they really feel “overwhelmed. Stretched too thin. They feel they can’t pull back anywhere.”

They’re not suicidal, he says. “But they wish they could wake up without facing the crushing burden of their day. There’s a sense of ‘I don’t want to — or I can’t — go on this way.’”

The psychologist calls the cycle of faculty/observe/staying up till 2 a.m. to complete homework/faculty once more “lather, rinse, repeat.”

“They’re trapped on a treadmill, at the highest speed,” he provides. “And who knows for how long? They can’t take a break until at least they’re admitted to college.”

For many, it’s “all work and no play.” Even the extracurriculars which are purported to deliver pleasure are seen as yet one more exercise to test off, on the lengthy slog to varsity, after which job.

(Of course, these job worries are actual too. The looming disruption of AI exacerbates these already fraught choices about majors and careers.)

So the place do right now’s youngsters discover pleasure?

“That’s one of the first questions I ask,” Tim says.

“There’s normally a pensive pause. They have to actually take into consideration how they loosen up.

“A lot of them say, ‘I go to my phone.’ But that’s often just another level of stress.”

Besides, he says, “loads of them don’t assume they’ve the time, or the permission, to unwind, take a break and get off the treadmill.

Tim might ask, “Would it be the worst thing in the world if you dropped your club sport to have more time to relax, and live a more diverse life?”

It’s a means of “inviting kids to consider their lives. It gives them permission to have a conversation with their parents” about slowing down.

He factors to three teenagers who did simply that. All 3 referred to as it “a game-changer.”

Teenagers want time to sit back. (Photo/Gara Morse)

Tim doesn’t wish to alarm mother and father. But, he says, they might wish to ask themselves, “Is my child over-stretched? Do you believe if they’re not at the 99th percentile in everything, that that would be a catastrophic failure?”

He notes the irony of claiming all this whereas working at Yale — one of the vital prestigious universities within the nation.

But, Tim says, “There are not a lot of shiny, happy people there.” He calls his gained educational pedigree “humble. You don’t have to go somewhere great to have a great life. And there is not only shot at a good life.”

Plenty of Westport college students don’t get into their first alternative school — and even their second or third.

Often, he says, his sufferers are “pleasantly surprised how much they enjoy” wherever they find yourself.

“They think back to the craziness of their junior and senior years.” They name it “much ado about nothing.”

“As much as they struggled with ‘average excellence,’ they did not see their own accomplishments, or feel pride, because of the unrelenting standards everywhere. Now they realize how excessive and unnecessary it was.” They really feel “a tremendous sense of relief.”

It can be good for folks to comprehend that too, as their youthful youngsters undergo the method. Or for graduates’ siblings and underclass pals to know these epiphanies.

But, Tim says, that hyper-competitiveness is “still in the air and water, all around us.”

Of course, some households notice the significance of “taking the foot off the gas.” He cites 2 fathers of teenybopper sufferers, who started seeing a therapist themselves, to speak about their very own emotions of parenting, expectations and life in a pressure- cooker city.. (It’s extra frequent for ladies to take that step, Tim says.)

Dr. Tim Schmutte provides this message to space mother and father: “If you have a sneaking suspicion or concern about the well-being of your child — or if you wonder if they’re doing too much, or are not their usual self — honor that thought. Put feelers out.”

And for Westport youngsters: “B+ or B okay. You can have an incredible life at a spot that’s not your #1 faculty.

“This is not the end of a great journey. It’s only the beginning.”

(“06880” stories usually on life in Westport. We cowl individuals of all ages — together with teenagers. If you admire tales like this one, please click here to support our work. Thank you!)