Gaslighting Examples: 17 Issues Abusers Will Say

Gaslighting is a kind of emotional abuse that may occur to anybody, particularly in romantic relationships. 

Abusers gaslight their victims with a purpose to preserve management within the relationship, and make their victim question their own sanity. 

Additionally, the consequences of gaslighting might make it even tougher for the sufferer to depart an abusive relationship as they might not even understand it is occurring.

Here are 16 examples of frequent gaslighting conditions that will help you acknowledge and handle this very actual type of emotional abuse.

Gaslighting examples in relationships 

Marriam-Webster defines gaslighting as: “The act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for one’s own advantage.” 

Gaslighting can occur in any scenario together with in a health care provider’s workplace, the office, and maybe most notoriously in romantic relationships.

Below are 16 examples of what gaslighters say to control you that will help you acknowledge what’s occurring so you’ll be able to reply the fitting method.

1. “That never happened.”

Gaslighting usually causes the sufferer to doubt themselves. Someone will do or say one thing abusive after which deny that it ever occurred, says psychotherapist and licensed marriage and household therapist Tina B. Tessina, PhD, in personal apply. 

“The victim starts questioning [their] instincts and relies more and more on the ‘reality’ that gets created and manipulated by the abuser. It also heightens a sense of dependency on the abuser,” says Tessina. 

2. “You’re crazy — and other people think so, too.”

On high of constructing victims expertise doubt, gaslighters might even make their sufferer query their very own sanity, Tessina says.

The gaslighter may also attempt to persuade the sufferer’s household and buddies that they are mentally unstable in order that they will additional discredit any claims the sufferer is making.

“This decreases the likelihood that the victim’s stories will be believed and disconnects them from the resources that would make it possible for them to leave [an abusive relationship],” says Tessina.

This is especially frequent in male-female romantic relationships the place the person is gaslighting the girl. According to a 2019 paper, this can be as a result of method society can generally depict girls as extra irrational and fewer in charge of their feelings than males. 

3. “I’m sorry you think that I hurt you.”

While this assertion may look like an apology, it is not. Instead, Tessina says it is a method for an abuser to deflect duty and blame the sufferer. 

This form of apology leaves the sufferer questioning their very own judgment and questioning in the event that they actually did overreact. It can result in the sufferer counting on the abuser’s interpretation of occasions.

4. “Do you really think I’d make that up?” 

An abuser most frequently will use this phrase when they’re accused of mendacity or fabricating particulars. 

This is one other instance that an abuser will use to make a sufferer query their actuality. In utilizing this phrase, abusers are manipulating the sufferer’s understanding of belief. They are trying to make the sufferer really feel responsible for not trusting them. When victims hear this phrase, they may doubt whether or not the abuser is definitely mendacity, questioning their very own understanding of the reality. 

5. “You’re just trying to confuse me. You aren’t making any sense.”

This phrase is used to shift blame away from an abuser and onto a sufferer. Its function is two-fold: on one hand, the sufferer may really feel silly and unable to articulate how they’re really feeling. On the opposite hand, they may really feel responsible, questioning their very own intentions. 

Using this technique of gaslighting, the abuser is making an attempt to make the sufferer look like “the bad guy” within the interplay. 

6. “You know I’d never intentionally hurt you.”

This phrase is one other instance of an abuser manipulating their sufferer’s understanding of belief. By making themselves out to be pure in intention, they alleviate themselves of any guilt. At the identical time, the abuser covers their bases for future offenses.

When a sufferer hears that their abuser wouldn’t deliberately damage them, they query the validity of their feelings and if they’ve the fitting to be upset with their associate. 

7. “I did that because I love you.” 

This phrase is an especially frequent instance of gaslighting in romantic and familial relationships. By justifying their intentions as loving, abusers manipulate victims into considering that the abuser has their greatest pursuits at coronary heart. 

Therefore, victims will query their pure, detrimental reactions to abuse. Because they imagine the abuser is performing with love, the sufferer might really feel responsible for feeling indignant, afraid, or upset with the abuser. 

8. “I don’t think your family has your best interests at heart.”

A gaslighter can attempt to isolate their sufferer from their help community to achieve larger management over their life.

Clinical psychologist Perpetua Neo informed mindbodygreen: “By making verbal abuse look like support, they are isolating the victim from their own discernment.”

Gaslighting examples with household 

Gaslighting can even happen in a household context, between mum or dad and little one, or siblings. 

9. “You’re too sensitive.”

This is a phrase utilized by gaslighters to reduce and invalidate the sufferer’s emotions. 

If the sufferer tries to specific damage or disappointment, the gaslighter might inform them that they’re making a giant deal out of nothing. When mother and father say this to their youngsters, the kid will doubtless really feel responsible or silly for bringing their feelings into the dialog. 

“The intent is to make you feel stupid for even trying to stand up for yourself. Once an abusive partner has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions, the victim is more likely to put up with the abusive behavior and stay in the relationship,” says Tessina.

10. “You should have known how I would react.”

This is one other method an abuser will deflect duty onto the sufferer. This could make the sufferer really feel responsible or damage a couple of scenario the place they actually did not do something unsuitable. 

When a mum or dad says this to their little one, they’re placing duty on the kid for the result of the scenario, making the kid really feel as if their actions induced a detrimental response.

“Gaslighting involves twisting facts so they can avoid personal ownership of their behaviors. By telling the victim they should have known better, the gaslighter places the blame on the victim for not only speaking up but also the abuser’s response,” says Tessina. 

11. “That’s just nonsense you read on the internet. It’s not real.”

This phrase is one other instance of diminishing or minimizing emotions. It is one other phrase meant to make the sufferer query their actuality and might make them really feel silly or incompetent. It additionally undermines the validity of knowledge discovered on the web, a great tool for in search of neighborhood throughout issue. 

When older youngsters are confused about new feelings they’re feeling, they could flip to the web for data and luxury. When this data is undermined, they query not solely what they’re feeling however the supply that gave them consolation. 

Thus, this phrase can even isolate the sufferer: they might not flip to outdoors sources for data, inflicting elevated dependency on their abuser. 

12. “It’s not that bad. Other people have it much worse.”

When this phrase is utilized by abusers, it makes victims really feel responsible for the pure feelings that crop up surrounding difficult conditions. 

This instance is tough to acknowledge as gaslighting as a result of it appears as if the abuser is empathetic towards human struggling. It additionally might look like they’re making an attempt to consolation the sufferer by placing their ache into perspective. However, it undermines the sufferer’s private feelings and invalidates the challenges they’re dealing with. 

13. “You don’t really feel that way.”

This phrase is one other instance utilized by abusers to stifle a sufferer’s feelings. This phrase is dismissive and meant to make the sufferer query whether or not what they’re feeling is legitimate or regular.

When mother and father say this to a toddler who might not perceive their full vary of feelings, the kid is more likely to acknowledge their pure emotions as someway unsuitable. They may later repress these emotions, inflicting self-doubt down the road. 

14. “I’m worried about you. You keep forgetting things.” 

This phrase is one other instance of utilizing feigned concern to undermine an individual’s actuality. By performing involved in regards to the sufferer’s reminiscence, the abuser looks as if they’re performing within the sufferer’s greatest curiosity. 

This phrase not solely undermines the sufferer’s actuality, but it surely additionally cements the abuser as a trusted individual within the sufferer’s life. Because they present concern for the sufferer’s reminiscence, the sufferer might really feel the abuser is an effective one that would not damage them.

Gaslighting examples at work 

Gaslighting can even happen in a office, between a supervisor and worker, or colleagues. 

15. “You have a terrible memory.”

This is a typical phrase gaslighters use to make victims doubt themselves. Of course, everyone experiences hassle with recalling sure particulars, however Tessina says gaslighters will make their sufferer doubt their reminiscence as a complete, spanning a mess of conditions. 

In a piece atmosphere, abusers may say this to undermine a coworker’s work efficiency, inflicting them to doubt themselves and doubtlessly embarrassing them in entrance of different coworkers. 

“They do this because getting a victim to question themselves is at the core of gaslighting. When a victim no longer trusts their assessments, the abuser is in complete control,” says Tessina. 

16. “I emailed you about the meeting. Are you sure you didn’t get it?” 

This phrase and sentiments just like this one is supposed to shift blame away from the abuser and onto the sufferer. In this case, the abuser doubtless forgot to e-mail the sufferer or deliberately left them off the e-mail thread with a purpose to undermine their work efficiency. 

Shifting the blame onto the sufferer is supposed to make them query their understanding of actuality, in addition to really feel private blame, guilt, and incompetence about their skill to do their job. 

17. “You seem stressed. Not everyone can handle new responsibilities.”

This instance of gaslighting is difficult to acknowledge, as it’s masked in concern for the sufferer. By feigning concern for the sufferer’s stress degree, the abuser positive aspects the sufferer’s belief. However, they’re additionally slighting the sufferer, making them really feel uniquely incompetent for being unable to deal with a heavy workload. 

When an abuser says this to a sufferer, the sufferer will really feel like they’re personally flawed or someway “not good enough” to carry out the duty they have been assigned. This lack of self- confidence can additional have an effect on work efficiency, including much more stress to the sufferer’s plate. 

How to get assist

Leaving an abusive relationship — or mending a piece or household relationship — is not a journey it’s a must to undertake by yourself. Therapists and trauma-informed counselors are supportive sources for leaving unsafe conditions and rebuilding confidence and self-love. 

Seeking assist from an area therapist or a web-based remedy collective equivalent to BetterHelp, Talkspace, or Cerebral is an efficient strategy to course of feelings round gaslighting. 

Additionally, neighborhood sources like help teams could be useful in eliminating isolation and emotions of invalidity and loneliness. These help teams can join you with different survivors in comparable conditions, reminding you that you simply’re not alone in your experiences. 

Insider’s takeaway

If you imagine you are the sufferer of gaslighting, there’s hope. You wouldn’t have to remain in an unhealthy and abusive relationship. 

Remember: It’s not your fault that you simply’re in an abusive relationship, and it is potential so that you can depart. Recognize the indicators of gaslighting and confide in buddies, household, or knowledgeable to get assist.