“Choosing Friends Over Family: The Trend of Holidaying with Companions Instead of Relatives”

Holidays are frequently perceived as a season for family – a moment to pack your belongings and take trains, planes, or cars to visit those you share genes with.

However, for some, this might not be feasible or particularly appealing. Some reside far from their biological relatives. Others may not be especially close or have complicated relationships. While this can be difficult, it can also present an opportunity to forge new customs with friends and neighbors.

We solicited insights from Guardian readers on how they celebrate holidays with individuals who aren’t their birth family.

Responses have been modified and shortened for clarity.

The joyful Christmas

I have organized a couple of open houses on Christmas Day, which I’ve named the Joyful Christmas Open House. Family dynamics were tense, especially during the festive season. I was deeply involved with my local theater community, so I spread the word of the event through these networks, and many people attended.

I aimed to resemble a snowflake, so I donned a secondhand bridal gown; I received abundant laughter when I answered the door. I invited attendees to bring dishes from their family’s holiday customs – any custom – leading to a delightful spread of food.

My intention was to delight everyone’s senses. Hence, I prepared mulled cider, roasted a large turkey, adorned the space with beautiful lights and decor, and played festive music continuously. We would all gather in the living room for dinner, with guests sitting on the floor or wherever they found space. I don’t recall how the food tasted, only that I felt immense joy in sharing a meal with all these wonderful individuals.

The following Christmas, I spent time with family. IT WAS HORRIBLE! I promised myself never to do that again and hosted the second Joyful Christmas the subsequent year.
Joce, 56, Disabled artivist

Adventurous holiday journeys

Around a decade ago, I began bypassing Christmas with family in favor of exploring other people and places. I determined that middle age was a perfect moment to acknowledge that I disliked spending the holiday with my biological relatives. My father, now 73, has never favored me, and I have wasted too much of my life attempting to alter that perception. Why spend precious moments with someone who doesn’t appreciate your presence? My parents have ample company during the festive season. This alleviates any guilt I might harbor for opting to spend Christmas with friends.

Currently, my closest friend from high school and I travel together during the Christmas period, exploring destinations that are unfamiliar to both of us.
Rikki, 54, Oregon

Holiday strolls with friends

During Thanksgiving, my spouse and I always visit our friends’ residence in the countryside, where a small gathering of queer friends convenes for turkey and “all the fixings”. We all prepare pies and side dishes, spending the day indulging in food, conversation, and long walks.

For Christmas, friends (more queer individuals!) come to stay with us in Oakland, occupying every sleeping space. We exchange gifts, consume abundant food, play board games, read, and enjoy long strolls.
Deb, 62, Oakland

Swedish Thanksgiving

Since 2002, I have resided in Sweden and haven’t marked a significant holiday with my family since 2004, when I visited the USA over Easter. My family has been invited to Sweden multiple times, but never made the journey. I maintain a strained relationship with my family.

I have established a new family and home in Sweden. For many years, I have celebrated Thanksgiving with a dedicated circle of friends on the last Saturday of November. Of this group, only two are from the USA. We indulge in Spanish tortillas and a potent cocktail known as “panther’s milk,” composed of gin and condensed milk, which can knock you out after one drink. We also feast on turkey, stuffing, and all the accompaniments. The gathering is filled with games, animated conversation, and joy in each other’s company.
Carolyn, 50, Sweden

Friendsgiving and solstice hikes

With family members scattered across the US, organizing gatherings proves challenging. I reside in a university town where scholars from around the globe come to teach, and many are distanced from their families. Therefore, we host a Friendsgiving every year, inviting friends and acquaintances who would be alone otherwise.

We commemorate the solstice with a hike up Spirit Mound (a local historical landmark), followed by a potluck dinner. This year, Christmas Eve will include a book exchange and chocolate sharing. Christmas Day dinner will also be shared with friends. I derive immense joy from these celebrations.
Betty, 74, South Dakota

Vegan potluck choral Christmas

I’m a retired vegetarian grandmother with two meat-eating grandsons and their carnivorous parents.We also hold church service on Christmas morning while they do not. This year, rather than attempting to find a Christmas arrangement that accommodates the entire family, we are inviting some vegan and vegetarian friends from our church choir for a potluck choral Christmas festivity. Afterwards, we will visit family on Boxing Day with various leftovers.
Sue, 75, London

Six close friends and 10,000 Maniacs

On 26 December 2014, my husband passed away unexpectedly. The subsequent year, I booked a holiday home on the Gulf coast of Florida. During that week, I spent time with six friends. We enjoyed dinners, cocktails, and beach outings. One evening, that song by 10,000 Maniacs played on the radio. I paused to absorb the lyrics: “These are the days you’ll remember …” Fast forward to now, I feel like almost a different person after all these years, and I find myself reminiscing about that trip.
Lesley, 63, Michigan

No reverting to sulky teenagers

This year, we will be celebrating Christmas Day with another family that has children of similar ages. Our relatives are all spending Christmas with different family members, so we decided to combine our celebrations. We informed friends in their 70s – they mentioned they would be home alone this year, so we invited them as well.

I believe we’ll have a great time. Everyone is responsible for a dish, drinks, or a game, including the younger ones, which streamlines things. I’m confident we will be on our best behavior – no reverting to sulky teens at age 52 over disagreements related to Brexit or climate change, etc. That has certainly occurred in the past.
Jo, 52, Devon

Gathering after loss

Since my mother’s passing in November 2022, I have faced challenges deciding where and with whom to celebrate the holidays. My relationship with my brother is strained, although his wife is quite delightful. In 2022, I opted to spend Christmas with a close friend in Virginia. The fact that my friend warmly insisted I join her and her family for the holidays right after my mother’s death made me feel cherished and supported.
Anonymous, New Jersey

An all-around victory

I relocated to Oregon four years ago after retiring. My mother came here two years ago. My sister and niece have resided here for over two decades, and they have an extensive network of close family friends with whom they celebrate the holidays. I attempted to blend in with them but felt like an outsider.

Then, I tried hosting with my mother, but we don’t genuinely enjoy one another enough for that level of intimacy. Thus, I now spend [the holidays] with good friends I made at the gym. My mother was invited and has accepted an invitation to celebrate the holiday with a neighbor. This is a significant victory, as she previously lived like a recluse. Now, she has more interactions with neighbors. It’s a complete win.
Donna, 56, Oregon

Competitive, intricate dinner menus

My friends are significantly closer and far more enjoyable than many of my relatives.

My neighbor and I are both empty nesters with a taste for adventurous cooking. The holidays present us a chance to try to outshine each other. We dedicate at least a month to researching recipes and curating our menu.
Eilene, retired, Wisconsin

A drag Christmas special and cookie decorating with chosen family

Every year, my queer “chosen family” gathers to enjoy a drag Christmas special and other holiday-related films. We attend a performance of Golden Girls Live – a drag reenactment of two Golden Girls episodes – and we decorate holiday cookies at various times throughout December. I cherish establishing wholesome traditions, borrowing the nostalgia and warmth of family gatherings while bypassing the heteronormativity that makes it difficult to be authentic with my biological relatives.

Queer individuals possess numerous valid reasons for distancing themselves from many of their relatives. It is painful to have to conceal the truth from family to maintain harmony, and I feel completely free to be myself around my chosen family.
Joshua, 38, California

A picnic at the river and camping in the desert

In recent years, celebrating holidays with family has transformed from a family reunion into more of a gathering of acquaintances. People who once conversed, laughed, and reconnected now spend most of the time eating and scrolling through their phones. Then, they disperse.

I have turned to my friends instead. We increasingly spend our leisure time and holidays camping, exploring, and kayaking. When friends are unavailable, I either venture outdoors alone or accompany my partner. This Thanksgiving, we enjoyed a picnic by a river with our dog while observing wild horses grazing. Following that, we camped with our friends in the desert.
Anonymous, Arizona