Mastering Getaways: Creative Vacation Planning with Minimal PTO

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. If you have a question for Care and Feeding, Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

A few years back, my spouse and I recognized it was time to depart from our high-expense coastal city. His parents resided in the Midwest, while mine lived in a smaller town along our coast. Ultimately, we chose to relocate closer to his aging parents since all their other children had moved away. I’m not claiming that relocating to a more affordable area with grandparents for childcare assistance was entirely selfless, but it has undeniably resulted in mutual benefits for us, the grandparents, and the distant siblings. We’ve faced several challenges, as my mother-in-law fell ill and ultimately passed away. Although my father-in-law is active and has a social circle, everyone appreciates that he is not here alone.

Sometimes I find myself regretting not moving near my parents, but my in-laws were older, and my husband could find employment here. I attempt to make up for the distance by taking two 10-day trips with my child to visit my parents each year. That consumes over half of my combined vacation/sick leave, yet I need my daughter to establish some connection with my parents. She is too young to travel by herself. My parents have several valid reasons (just trust me on this) that make it quite a challenge for them to come here. This circumstance doesn’t bring me happiness, but it’s necessary.

Where I begin to feel frustrated is with my husband’s brother. He resides a few hours away from my parents, and whenever we are on the East Coast, he suggests we add a few extra days at their home so our child and theirs can interact. They propose these vacations that are merely long weekends for them but consume our vacation days and finances due to their distance from where we live. My husband always leans towards this idea because he and his brother really cherish fostering a bond between the cousins—but we are counting our PTO meticulously and avoiding any different family vacation to enable this occurrence.

Why is it invariably us footing the bill and expending time to visit them? They claim it’s because they hesitate to take their daughter on a flight fearing she will misbehave. I’m sorry, but that’s absurd. She is lively and had some early developmental delays, yet she has been assessed thoroughly without any diagnoses or disabilities that would make air travel challenging for her. Despite this, everyone accepts this notion as if it’s universally acknowledged. To me, the underlying issue appears to be that the parents aren’t looking forward to the arrangements and stress they will encounter when taking her on an airplane, yet it’s acceptable to ask my husband and me to do so? I understand that flying with a child isn’t pleasant, as I’ve experienced it, but I’m about ready to cease doing it solely to help them evade similar situations.

It’s not even that I don’t want to see them! I’ve softly proposed that perhaps it would be enjoyable for the cousin to come visit where her dad grew up, or that maybe we could embark on a joint vacation somewhere. However, those suggestions never gain traction. Truly, I want to vacation with my family to a destination we would enjoy. (Alright, that I wish to visit, although my child is also beginning to tire of exclusively going to one place.) But we can’t, as we are out of vacation time, and my husband feels compelled to reserve each day for his brother’s subsequent plea. I genuinely wish for him to man up and say: “Hey, we’ll meet up at your house after you’ve come to visit us literally anywhere else. Your child is 6 and toilet-trained; we’ve all witnessed her sit through two hours of Bluey without moving, so strap a tablet to her face and meet us in Miami.” He’s never going to be that straightforward, and within this family dynamic, I can’t address this issue directly to the sibling, so I seek advice on how I can 1) persuade my husband to stop using all his vacation time catering to his brother’s parental concerns or 2) encourage the brother-in-law to move past his anxiety about flying with a child.

—Flipping Out in Flyover Country

Dear Flipping,

First and foremost, I must express my gratitude for your wonderfully captivating letter. Visualize me in an auditorium, standing and applauding, a single tear trickling down my cheek. Your letter was a thrilling journey, and I relished every twist and clever phrase. From this moment onward, I will perpetually dream of a chance to tell someone to strap a tablet to his kid’s face and meet me in Miami.

Alright. Now onto your challenges. You have a significant asset in this situation that you seem not to have utilized, which is outright declining to travel from your parents’ house to your brother-in-law’s. I doubt your husband believes that you’re limited by Midwestern modesty, so would he genuinely be caught off guard or displeased if you simply stated, “Nope, we lack sufficient time off to visit your brother because I desire to go on a different holiday”?

What chain of events would occur if you did that this winter, and repeated it in the summer? Would your brother-in-law’s commitment to cousin bonds prompt him to suggest an alternative—perhaps even come to terms with taking his daughter on a plane? Would your husband’s eagerness to see his brother cause him to “man up” (chef’s-kiss emoji!) and

How about speaking openly for a shift? There’s only one method to discover!

The sole addition I’d suggest is that while you’ve relocated nearer to his family instead of your own and might feel guilty regarding the limited moments with your parents, it’s simply not equitable to regard the 20 days each year during which you visit your parents as somehow more justified, earned, or sacred than the five or six days annually he wishes to spend with his brother. Distant family remains distant family, and his sibling isn’t automatically less significant to him than your parents are to you merely based on geographical proximity to a different relative. Remember this while discussing the matter with your husband, which you absolutely should do—ideally in as clear a fashion as you composed this letter.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My amazing husband and I share a 3-year-old together, in addition to joint custody of an older child from his previous marriage. I’m in my 30s, while he is in his 40s. He feels completely finished with having more children, whereas I believe that I would cherish the experience of having one more. He doesn’t enjoy the infant stage (he claims he’d be glad to have another child if it could arrive at the age of 5), and he holds a demanding job that drains a considerable amount of his mental and emotional stamina. He is also worried about how his first child might react to having another sibling and receiving less of her father’s focus, feeling that he might be somewhat too old to begin anew with an infant. On the flip side, I feel that welcoming another baby together would be a delightful journey that would draw us closer together, could be wonderful for our 3-year-old and my stepdaughter, and is a challenge I could manage (I’m a stay-at-home mom) while relishing the opportunity.

Maintaining a relationship with my husband devoid of resentment and ensuring happiness on both sides is vitally important to me. I’m anxious that if we don’t attempt to have another child, I will develop feelings of resentment towards him, yet if we do, he may harbor resentment towards me. Recently, he has stated he would consent to having the baby if he is not expected to take on any more childcare/household responsibilities than he currently bears. He prefers that we hire a housekeeper and a nanny if I require assistance with childcare. He admits he knows he would cherish the baby once it arrives; he merely believes he doesn’t possess the capacity to contribute more than he is presently giving. I would like to agree to this arrangement. What are your thoughts?

—Let’s Make a Deal

Dear Let’s Make,

The blueprint you have devised for your husband is fraught with more pitfalls than Indiana Jones’ expedition to the Holy Grail. Should you manage to persuade him into having this child, you will reach levels of marital resentment that were previously seen only in fictional characters. Please refrain from this.

With one exception, which I will detail at the conclusion of this response, I can guarantee that your proposal is likely to generate resentment on both sides rather than alleviate it. He will harbor resentment towards you, regardless of how strictly you adhere to his non-extra parenting stipulation, because having an infant, then a toddler, then a young child, in the home is inherently destabilizing and exhausting. You will feel resentment towards him as you are a human being, and raising a child without any support would be strenuous—made worse by being with a person who spends 18 years holding a stipulation over your head indicating he doesn’t have to contribute. And how will you feel when the reality of your household does not align with your fantasy—when he does not warm to the baby in the exact way you envisioned to create a “magical journey that would draw us closer together”? For that matter, how will you cope when the baby understands that their father has no interest in connecting with them?

He could not have been clearer in conveying to you that he does not desire a baby. Thus, do not have the baby. It’s extraordinarily straightforward. Concentrate on your incredible husband whom you adore, your lovely 3-year-old, and your stepdaughter who requires both you and her father. Focus on the life you currently have, not on some hypothetical life that you would attain by agreeing to forsake the very elements that constitute a family: shared goals, accountability, mutual support, and reliance on one another.

Alright, here’s the exception: Is your family’s overall net worth $20 million or higher? Can you afford to hire full-time help—not merely “a nanny” but a live-in caregiver, a daily housekeeper, a personal chef, and a dedicated assistant? Do you own or can you afford a residence so large that a specific area can be allocated as the “children’s wing”? If so, then perhaps you can make this impractical plan succeed. Numerous extremely wealthy families have raised children in exactly this manner. It appears to be a nightmare for me, and most of the children end up thoroughly troubled, but perhaps it will work for you. Go with divine guidance.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My spouse and I are film enthusiasts. We have an only child, 7 years old, who is advanced in several aspects yet still essentially 7. (She often doesn’t comprehend irony; she can be perplexed by subtleties.) We subscribe to several streaming services, and my husband closely follows Letterboxd. Consequently, over the last six months, we’ve made a habit of watching one movie each night with our daughter—typically opting for the shorter films from the mid-20^th century, an era when storytelling was effectively condensed into a brisk 75 minutes.

Recently, our daughter enjoyed Rear Window (she adored it—I suspect due to the apartments resembling a dollhouse); The Red Shoes (she was fascinated by the dancing but didn’t grasp the intricacies of the relationships—at 7, “The ballet impresario is not merely in love with the ballerina; perhaps he desires her to select dance to validate his choice to forgo life for dance” doesn’t fully resonate); and the classic Nosferatu (“not terrifying”).

On the whole, she’s accustomed to this routine and partakes willingly. (I should note that on weekends and during breaks, she has ample time to watch programs of her choosing, so she isn’t entirely deprived of Captain Underpants or the new She-Ra or Gravity Falls.) There are numerous benefits to this practice; we have engaged in many fascinating discussions about history, human connections, narratives, etc., all tailored (I hope) to her developmental stage. She has truly enhanced her ability to focus better. And so on.

However, have you heard the cliché about children whose parents impose their cultural preferences? Isn’t the stereotype that “This child will eventually rebel and despise their parents for exposing them to the likes of Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi, leading them to binge TikTok during their teenage years”? I truly hope this doesn’t come to pass! Do you think it will?

—Will She Dislike Movies Because of Us?

Dear Will She,

I commend your commitment to introducing your daughter to remarkable films and establishing a family activity that’s fulfilling, enjoyable, and admirable. Extra recognition for viewing The Red Shoes, which, despite your preference for 75-minute entertainment, lasts 134 minutes! You seem like those individuals who find joy in sharing their passions with those they cherish—I believe you’d make wonderful small-town theater proprietors.

At some point, your daughter will likely become enamored with TikTok or whatever the latest obsession of her adolescent years may be. This will not stem from the movies you’ve shown her. In fact, all the films you’ve experienced together will remain etched in her essence, forming a sturdy barrier against the harsher elements of the internet. When she later eliminates the most awful of her apps in frustration, it’s those cherished memories of cozy evenings spent on the couch that will inspire her to compel her roommates to watch Vertigo with her and to criticize them when they exclaim, “This is odd.” What an extraordinary gift you’ve provided! You should be proud!

—Dan