Ask Ursula: I used to be ghosted by some pals and mutual pals will not inform me why. What do I do?

Hi, I’m Ursula Reutin, co-host of “The Gee and Ursula Show,” and I’m thrilled to introduce my new recommendation column, Ask Ursula, the place I assist folks navigate household, friendships, work, and all of the messy, lovely moments in between.

If you want any recommendation, attain out to me at [email protected] or fill out this way right here.

Ghosted with no clarification

Dear Ursula,

I lately misplaced two folks whom I believed had been excellent pals. We had been on utterly totally different pages politically and religiously, however our shared love of nationwide parks and pictures at all times got here first.

They stopped speaking to me with out clarification. I reached out a number of occasions to ask if I had damage them indirectly, however by no means bought a solution. I’ve at all times stated: I’ll struggle for you as my buddy, however I gained’t struggle so that you can be my buddy. I perceive they decided, and I respect that.

Here’s the issue: The pals I nonetheless spend time with within the park group KNOW why this couple ended the friendship, however they refuse to inform me. They are nonetheless pals with them, which is okay. I’ve made it clear that in the event that they informed me, I might by no means return to the couple or reveal who shared the knowledge.

But I’m changing into more and more uncomfortable with my remaining pals not trusting me sufficient to inform me what they know. I take into account myself considerate and cautious with folks, so the concept I could have damage pals is breaking my coronary heart. I don’t know the way for much longer I can proceed spending time with people who find themselves holding onto a secret about me that I’m not allowed to know. I’m undecided easy methods to proceed.

Signed,

Seeking Closure

Dear Seeking Closure,

It is so painful to lose pals, and sadly, it does appear to be occurring extra usually right now due to political and spiritual variations.

I’m sorry in your ache. What makes this particularly exhausting is that you simply had been keen to set these variations apart due to the love you share for pictures and the National Parks. Unfortunately, they weren’t.

The reality is, I don’t assume there’s rather more you are able to do. You’ve reached out. You’ve requested in case you damage them. You’ve made it clear that you simply cared concerning the friendship. At this level, you’re combating for a friendship they now not worth in the identical approach you probably did.

As for the chums you continue to spend time with, I perceive why you need to know the rationale. You sound like a considerate and self-aware individual. But you might want to ask your self: What would really change in the event that they informed you? Would it convey peace … or simply extra ache?

Those remaining pals may additionally really feel caught within the center. By telling you, they could really feel they’re betraying the arrogance of the opposite couple, even when their intentions are good. That doesn’t imply they don’t belief you or care about you.

My recommendation is to maintain your concentrate on the fervour you all nonetheless share:  the parks, the pictures, the experiences that convey you pleasure and connection.

Maybe someday the rationale will come out. Maybe it gained’t. Part of defending your individual peace is being OK with the fact that not each ending comes with closure.

Sending you like,

Ursula

Listen to Gee and Ursula on “The Gee and Ursula Show” weekday mornings from 9 am to 12 pm on KIRO Newsradio.

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