I acknowledged patterns that stored me trapped in a nasty relationship

After not talking to me for 4 years, my ex-boyfriend Adam texts me that he’s on the town and asks to get lunch. Before I take into consideration how badly this particular person mistreated me throughout our 2½-year relationship, the harm he induced to my confidence and self-worth, I’m typing the phrase “Canter’s.”

Then I textual content a joke about menu gadgets, and he responds, “You’ve upped your funny game.” And the whiplash of this extremely blatant particular person is all of the sudden again in my life.

When we have been relationship again in Chicago, he by no means got here to my comedy exhibits and barely even acknowledged that I did comedy, which despatched the message that he didn’t assume I used to be humorous. (And wow, how beneficiant is he to say that I’m form of humorous now! ) But that is the brand new me 4 years later, and I’m not going to let his remark harm my emotions.

I’m assured. I’m in cost. So I textual content him again: “Everything’s been upped.”

I meet him at Canter’s on Fairfax Avenue, a spot too pure for this rendezvous, and am stunned by his look. He appears to be like 20 years older than he did 4 years in the past. In my head, I’m considering, “This makes sense. The ugliness within him has deteriorated his physical body.” It might not be an amazing signal that I feel this particular person is so ugly on the within that it’s rotting his exterior. And but there I used to be.

Table for 2, please! I sit throughout from him and see the twinkle in his eye is gone. It’s that twinkle that received me into this mess within the first place. He would have a look at me, and I’d be so taken by his enjoyable, mischievous, unpredictability. I’m relieved the twinkle is gone, so I can stay in management! I’m additionally relieved as a result of maybe which means he’s now on some medicine.

During our relationship, he had intense temper swings however by no means sought therapy apart from copious quantities of Miller High Life, which — get this — made issues worse. He would turn out to be a terror. Sometimes he would fake to be a child, like a literal child, speaking like one, performing helpless, rolling round on the ground. Other instances, he’d relish saying imply issues or choosing fights. His buddies even had a nickname for him when he turned evil: Bad Adam.

Sitting throughout from him at Canter’s, I additionally discover he seems to be a bit cross-eyed, which I discover ironic as a result of I all the time thought he had a wandering eye. I’m critical: He would always flirt with different ladies whereas we have been relationship, always evaluate me to his exes. One time he implied that I wasn’t as good as his ex as a result of I “didn’t read as many books.”

I’ll always remember the time I heard him converse to a feminine good friend on the cellphone in a method I’d by no means been spoken to earlier than — so candy. To me, he was dismissive. Every time he sneezed, I’d say, “Bless you,” and he wouldn’t reply. I believed, “Maybe he doesn’t know that’s the standard exchange?” Then one time, he sneezed, and my cousin mentioned, “Bless you.” And he mentioned, “Thank you.” I couldn’t consider it. This entire time — each sneeze — he had been ignoring me.

I inform him I reside alone (I had just lately ended a long-term relationship), and he very clearly lights up. That’s once I settle for that this lunch could be greater than only a catchup. He then acknowledges he wasn’t the perfect boyfriend and that he feared he “ruined men” for me.

I wish to say, “The only thing you ruined for me was you!” But I don’t as a result of now he’s tearing up. The solely different time I’ve seen him cry was when he broke up with me (the primary time) as a result of I “didn’t get mad at him enough.”

We find yourself splitting the examine. I inform him I’m pursuing comedy right here in L.A., and he asks if I’ve any exhibits taking place whereas he’s on the town. I truly do have an improv present at Upright Citizens Brigade, however it’s an enormous gamble to ask him to it. It’s improv and I’m new to it. But possibly I can lastly present him what I’m able to. I invite him!

The improv present has a tough begin. It’s Memorial Day, so we hand out sweet in the beginning of the present for some godforsaken purpose, after which we will’t hear what anybody is saying onstage as a result of the sweet being unwrapped is so loud. Finally, the noise dies down, and I lock in. I inform my scene accomplice, “You never gave me a single compliment!” This is one thing I would like Adam to listen to, after all.

I’m not courageous sufficient to say it to his face, so I’ll say it in a make-believe breakup scene. “You never even told me you loved me!” I boldly say as I waddle as a result of I’m additionally taking part in a penguin. The laughter is tepid at greatest.

After the present, my improv teammates and I head to a bar, and I invite Adam. He agrees to affix however acts like he doesn’t wish to be there. Once once more, I really feel like I’m not adequate. Old me would have internalized this, however four-years-later me is aggravated. I’m truly amazed at how impolite he’s behaving, how overtly he’s ignoring my associates. He makes a cellphone name, and I hear him say, “I’m somewhere I don’t want to be.”

We stand in awkward silence at Birds on Franklin Avenue, and I’m actually kicking myself for this entire escapade. Why did I conform to lunch? To present him how nicely I’m doing? Maybe I believed he’d be a greater model of himself, and we may begin one thing anew? But he’s truly a worse model. Or I’m simply seeing him extra clearly. What I actually need is for him to cease having any energy over me. I wish to be rid of him. And then he turns to me and says, “Will you marry me?”

And I say, “What?”

It’s essentially the most absurd factor I’ve ever heard. And then he repeats himself, “Will you marry me.”

“No,” I say, my disbelief obvious. He’s quiet, then he turns round and heads for the door. Then he throws his arms into the air and shouts, “I’m freeee!” Like how a toddler may say “Wheeee!” whereas being pushed round in a buying cart.

Did I simply launch him from a curse? Wait, does he truly assume he was the cursed one right here? I really feel as if I’ve been the one trapped on this hell, attempting to impress this man for seven years. I all the time received so little from him and assumed there was all the time an opportunity to get extra. More consideration, extra validation, extra love.

That’s why I received lunch with him. It was an opportunity for extra. But this haphazard proposal, with no ring, no purpose, at a random bar? And then he doesn’t get the response he desires and runs out flailing, like a toad that lastly received turned again into a person? I’m the one who’s been let out now that it’s abundantly clear: There is not any extra.

The writer is a slapstick comedian, author and filmmaker in Los Angeles. She’s on Instagram at @alexajloftus and on TikTook at @alexajloftus.

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